Beneath A Shattered Sky
by glitteratiglue
Summary: Edward & the Cullens left Forks again after killing Victoria. 2 years later, Bella has found solace in Jacob Black, but what will happen when Edward can't stay away? M for lemons.
1. Salvation

**My first Twilight fic of a reasonable length – hope you like it! Bella's POV mostly, may have chapters from other POVs later. Post-Eclipse, ignores Breaking Dawn. NC-17 for scenes of a sexual nature (mostly later chapters).**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with Jacob, Bella and Edward, Stephenie owns :P.**

**PLAYLIST:  
**

**Edward and the Cullens left Forks for the second time after the battle with Victoria and the newborns – this is set two years after this. Bella found solace in Jacob Black, but what will happen when Edward can't stay away? M for lemons.  
**

**Chapter 1: Salvation**

_**I am not yours, not lost in you,  
Not lost, although I long to be  
Lost as a candle lit at noon,  
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.**_

_**You love me, and I find you still  
A spirit beautiful and bright,  
Yet I am I, who long to be  
Lost as a light is lost in light.**_

_**Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out  
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,  
Swept by the tempest of your love,  
A taper in a rushing wind.**_

_**'I Am Not Yours' – Sara Teasdale**_

I rolled over in bed, stirring, not wanting to wake. Blearily, I opened my eyes and squinted at the alarm clock on my night stand. Seeing the time, I sat up with a start. _Oh crap_, I thought. _I'm late. No time to shower. _Class started in 40 minutes and I wasn't even dressed. It took just over an hour to get there, and sometimes longer in my senior-citizen truck. Leaping out of bed, I quickly shrugged on my jeans and a polo neck.

Grabbing my backpack, I left my empty house (Charlie was already at work) and hopped into my truck. The engine spluttered to life and I was soon well on my way. I tuned the radio station to a song I liked, and hummed along. Humming gave way to musings about my life. Things were definitely different now.

I worked shifts at the Lodge, the closest thing Forks had to a fancy restaurant. The tips were decent, and my colleagues friendly. At first I had only done that, throwing myself into work, and had little interest in going to college. Charlie was aghast when I'd first told him I wasn't going to Dartmouth. I could hear him in my head now.

"_Bella, you're throwing your life away!" he roared, his hands clenched in fists at his sides. "That boy's done enough damage. You can't wait for him again. You need a fresh start, away from that -"_

I winced at that particular memory, and snapped out of it before some other memories could surface. But I had appeased Charlie in the end. Soon after that, I'd started dating Jacob, which both Charlie and Billy were utterly thrilled about. I'd also started an English Literature course at Peninsula Community College in Port Angeles, which I was on my way to now. Jake was working as a car mechanic, which suited him to a tee.

Things were different now. It almost felt as if the supernatural world I had lived in for two years or so had not been real. Of course, Jake was still a werewolf, but things were calmer now. As the enemies of the werewolves were gone, Jake hadn't phased in around a year and a half. Sam, Quil, Embry, Leah, Seth, Paul, Jared, Collin, Brady and the others were much the same, so I heard.

Sam and Emily had married a few months ago, in a small ceremony held in the backyard of their little house. Jacob, Charlie and I had attended along with the others from La Push. Sam and the other wolves seemed far more settled and peaceful than I had remembered. Jacob's sister Rachel was marrying Paul next year, a fact which unfortunately still set Jacob's teeth on edge to mention. Leah even seemed far happier since then, a far cry from the bitter, twisted young woman she had been.

Life had gone on. My life was relatively content right now. Although most of my Forks friends had gone off to college, I was happy enough spending time with Jake and the others at La Push. Jake and I adored each other and had fallen into an easy relationship. I spent a lot of time down at the reservation, or Jake came here. Billy was always thrilled to have me there for dinner, being much more friendly to me than he had been in the past. Although, neither Charlie or Billy were keen on us staying over at each other's houses, despite the fact we were both adults. I grinned when I thought of how Jake would silently climb through my window some nights. There were definitely advantages to dating a werewolf.

_I knew just how right it felt to be with Jacob when we made love for the first time, well over a year ago.__ He took me to the woods and laid me on a blanket he'd brought for the occasion. We were both inexperienced, yet I was painfully shy, and he was confident. The weather was cold, which compensated for the intense heat of Jake's skin. His searingly hot chest felt so good under my hands as I caressed him. He laid me down gently and his fingers did the most...wonderful thing to me. He was skilled for a virgin. And then we became one together. Sensations I had never felt before tore through my body. There was pain, but it quickly gave way to pleasure. Back in my bedroom later, falling asleep in his warm arms, I knew that this was what I wanted. That as long as I had Jacob Black, I need never feel empty again. He was the warming sun in my life, just as he had always been. When my sky had shattered, he had put it back together. He'd waited patiently in the wings for me, while I wasted my time with..._

_No. I mustn't think about that_, I thought as I slowed the car to a stop in the college car park. I needed to focus on something else and not think about the person whom my thoughts had barely dwelt on for a year and a half. Grabbing my bag from the front seat, I quickly headed over to the main building to catch what was left of this morning's class.

Later that evening, I was lost in thought as I cooked Charlie's dinner. As I was marinating the fish Charlie had brought back from a trip the other day, my gaze stole to the book I had left on the counter. What a coincidence it would be that the one book that my teacher would assign for us to write an assignment on, would be _Wuthering Heights_. I used to love that book, but I had not read it in two years. I would not read it because of what it had once meant to me. And to somebody else.

_Come on Bella, focus! _I muttered to myself. I was becoming far too tense. Charlie would be home soon, and he would notice, in that annoyingly perceptive way of his. I turned my attention back to the dinner. I placed the fish on the side to marinate, and began peeling potatoes to go with it. But somehow, I was so distracted my hand slipped and I stabbed my finger with the peeler. Ow! Well, I was known for being clumsy. Jake always teased me. _Hmph. Just because he has supernatural strength and grace_. I leaned against the counter, closing my eyes. I had to relax.

A shower sounded good, as I hadn't had the chance to have one this morning. I placed the potatoes in a pan and headed upstairs. The hot water of the shower soothed me as it unknotted my tense muscles. I washed my hair with my favourite strawberry-scented shampoo. As I stepped out of the shower just a short while later, I felt more like myself again. I put the fish in the oven, the potatoes on to boil and made a simple salad. I then sat down with my book in the living room to wait.

As I flipped through the pages, I remembered how I was always so drawn to the story of the tortured lovers, Heathcliff and Cathy. How their all-consuming passion for one another eventually destroyed both of them, and everyone around them. I was glad that mine and Jake's relationship floated on a calm sea, after all the drama we had experienced in the past. He was hardly Romeo, but he was my best friend and my lover. That thought brought a smile to my face. I would be seeing him later, and I looked forward to it. Just then I heard the key turn in the lock. Charlie was home.

"Hi, Bells!" called Charlie from the hall as he came in.

"Hi, Dad," I smiled, putting my book down. "There's fish and potatoes for dinner."

He grinned. "Sounds great. I've had a long day," he signed, slumping on the sofa as he turned the TV on. He tuned the channel to a Mariners game and we sat silently together for a while, idly watching it. Neither Charlie and I were big talkers, but that suited us. He left me to my own devices when I wanted him to.

"Er, Bella - " he said suddenly, looking a little awkward. _Oh God_, _please not another sex talk._ Charlie had attempted that a few times, but it usually ended it both of us blushing beet red and him stumbling over his words until his desire to drop the subject won out. Last time he'd tried to broach the subject, I'd told him abruptly I was on the pill, which I was, and he seemed satisfied by that, besides his grumbling about "not under my roof". What on Earth could it be now?

" - how are you finding college?" Charlie finished, sighing. "I just kind of...hope that you're doing what you want. That you didn't just stay here because you were worried about me. Or because you and Jake got involved. You know I wanted you to go to Dartmouth."

I winced at the memory of our earlier argument about Dartmouth. We were both quiet for a moment.

"Dad, it's okay," I said finally. "I am doing what I want. I'm happy here in Forks, it's my home now. And I like majoring in English. It's what I would have done at Dartmouth anyway."

At this, Charlie visibly relaxed.

"Okay, honey," he conceded. "I just wanted to make sure you're happy. Don't get me wrong, Jake's a great kid – you guys have a really good thing there, but I don't want him, or me to be the only reason you're staying around here."

"You worry too much, Dad," I said, shaking my head. I went to the kitchen and served dinner, my heart thumping slightly. Was Jacob the only reason I had stayed around here? I frowned. I didn't think so, I had grown used to Forks and had a certain fondness now even for the perpetually dull weather which dominated the Olympic peninsula. Maybe there was another reason...

_No! I wasn't going to think of that_, I resolved, and realised I was clenching my fists. I relaxed my hands and busied myself with serving dinner for Charlie and I.

"Dad," I called as I put the plates on the table. He came in and we sat down to eat in silence.

Even later, I was flipping through _Wuthering Heights_ and making notes when I heard a familiar tap at the window. Looking up, I smiled as Jake pulled up the sash window and launched himself into my room, barely making a sound as his huge frame hit the carpet. I got up from the bed and he immediately pulled me to him, burying his face in my hair.

"Mm, Bella honey, you smell like strawberries," he murmured, his soft lips at my ear.

I stayed quiet, nuzzling into his neck as I breathed in the woodsy, masculine sent of my Jake. That scent that made me weak at the knees.

"Reading your favourite book?" he smirked, picking up _Wuthering Heights_ from where it lay on my night stand.

I rolled my eyes, stepping back from him. "Hardly. I haven't read it in ages." The smirk faded from his face a little.

"Yeh, I know," he said quietly. "I don't think you've read it for a couple of years." I knew what he was thinking, and I wanted to get off the subject.

"So anyway, how was your day?" I said cheerfully. He raised an eyebrow, but sensed I wanted to avoid further discussions about my reading material.

"It was busy, man! Lots of cars to fix...there was this one car where the electrical system was just toast, it took forever to sort out. I'm pretty tired to be honest." A nostalgic smile came to his face. "Hey, do you remember when we used to fix those bikes together in my garage?"

I laughed, and we sat down on my purple quilt, Jake's arm around me.

"Of course," I breathed, as his hands stroked my hair. "When you would constantly flirt with me".

"Well, how could I help it, with you being so beautiful?" he said with a wicked grin.

"I missed you today, Jake," I sighed, leaning into his warm embrace. He held me, and for a moment we were still, listening to sound of each other's hearts. My heart began to thud, and I was sure he noticed. He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes, his breathing coming heavier now.

"I missed you too," came his low, throaty whisper and it was only a second before he crushed his lips to mine.

But suddenly, without any warning, a memory surged to the fore, a memory of cold lips pressing to mine, of piercing golden eyes..._No! Shh, Bella, stop being an idiot! Forget about it..._

With that, I gave into Jake's warm, yielding lips, giving myself to him utterly. Jake's eyes flashed darkly with desire and he brought his mouth back to mine with a groan, kissing me even harder. And I thought no more as I yielded to my werewolf's caresses...

**This is a pretty difficult fic to write but it's good to get out of my comfort zone – I hope you enjoyed it! I guess you can pretty well imagine who Bella's thinking of ;). Please review and I'll have more incentive to write the next chapter quicker :).**


	2. Indelible

**Hi guys, thanks for the nice reviews, I hope you liked it! PLEASE REVIEW, it really does motivate me as a writer teething in a new fandom. Let me know what you thought. Will use a tiny bit of Stephenie's dialogue in this as I refer to scenes from Eclipse. The song 'Valentine's Day' by Linkin Park inspired me a lot for this one, as I think it fits quite well with Bella's memory.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with Jacob, Bella and Edward, Stephenie owns :P.**

**In this chapter, Bella takes a walk in the woods and has a flashback of what happened when Edward left her for the second time and her destiny fell apart...**

**Playlist**:

**Valentine's Day - Linkin Park  
Stay - Beulah  
Winter - Joshua Radin  
All I Need - Within Temptation  
Frozen - Madonna  
What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts.**

**Chapter 2: Indelible**

_**When we two parted  
In silence and tears,  
Half broken-hearted,  
To sever for years,  
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,  
Colder thy kiss;  
Truly that hour foretold  
Sorrow to this...**_

_**  
...In secret we met  
In silence I grieve  
That thy heart could forget,  
Thy spirit deceive.  
If I should meet thee  
After long years,  
How should I greet thee?  
With silence and tears. **_

_**When we two are parted.**_

_**  
Excerpt from 'When We Two Parted' - Lord Byron**_

The next day I was so busy I barely had time to think. Jake left early to get to work, and I spent the morning writing my assignment before going to the Lodge. Later on, I backed the truck into the driveway and hit the brakes, sighing. I'd just arrived home from my six-hour shift and it had been tiring. The afternoon shift was always horribly busy. My arms ached from carrying plates. At least the tips had been good today; I had a fair bit of money in my pocket.

_Relax, Bella, for God's sake_, I told myself. I knew what I needed. A walk would calm me down. Just up the path by Charlie's house led to the woods. I wouldn't go far as I had to be back soon to cook for Charlie and I, but the thought of even a short walk among the sparse, autumnal trees cheered me considerably.

I got out the car and made my way up the path, the fallen leaves crunching in my wake. I needed to clear my head. Things had been really muddled these past couple of days. Events I had sworn to forget were coming to the forefront of my mind. Even though Jake and I were happy.

Before we made love last night I'd had a moment of madness where I'd thought of _him_, but I'd pushed it out of my mind. Jake had commented afterwards that I seemed more distant than usual. Out of guilt, I'd over-compensated and made sure I was extra-affectionate and attentive for the rest of the night. _Never mind, Bella_. _You're just in a funk and you're taking it out on Jake. It's happened before, and you've always been fine._

The fading light beneath the trees shimmered faintly on the ground. Fall was almost over, and winter would come. I shivered as a cold wind blew, and tucked my coat tighter about me.

I couldn't help but remember the part this path had played in one of the most important events of my life. But strangely enough, that bothered me little right now. What was really playing on my mind was the second time. I took a deep breath even before saying it in my head. _The second time Edward had left me. Edward Cullen._ That was a hard name for me to think of, even now. I couldn't keep fighting it any more. I had to remember...

* * *

2 years previously

_That had been worse than I'd expected. After seeing Jake and telling him I couldn't be with him, I had broken into a thousand pieces. It took all night, although that was less than I had expected for the small, broken part of me to cry herself out. My deserved penance for trying to force two polar opposites together; Jacob's Bella and Edward's Bella. I had sobbed uncontrollably onto Edward's shoulder all night, and finally fallen into unconsciousness, emotionally exhausted. But now I was awake. It was time to face him. I was resolved. I knew I could ignore the other small part of me that thought it wanted Jacob. Edward was my destiny._

_He gently put his hands on either side of my face. God, he was so heartbreakingly beautiful, his muscular chest encased in a beige pullover, his pale face etched with the features of an angel._

"_Bella...are you _sure_? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain -" His voice broke on the last word._

_I touched his lips. "Yes."_

"_I don't know..." His brow creased. "If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?"_

"_Edward, I know who I can't live without," I told him, real conviction in my voice. I'd made a terrible mess of everything. Kissing Jacob had deeply wounded Edward's heart, and I knew it. Whatever he might have pretended to me when we'd been together since. I needed to put things right._

_To my surprise, he stiffened a little and gently untangled himself from my arms which were now wrapped around him. Oh no. I should have never let him stay last night. But I had needed him so much._

"_Bella, I can't stand you to be miserable," he said quietly. And something had changed in his marble features. I instinctively knew something was really wrong._

_It was the same look that had graced his perfect face when he had left me the first time, for what he thought was my own good. Before we had realised we couldn't live without each other. And we couldn't, could we?_

"_My love, I know you were only trying to stop him leaving," Edward continued, taking my hands in his. His icy touch was gentle, but cursory, and he did not stroke my hands as he normally did. "I told you then that were holes in your life that I couldn't fill, that could be filled by someone more human. Jacob healed you when I left. And that left its mark."_

"_No, Edward, I - , I started to protest, but he silenced me with a finger to my lips. I could barely breathe. It felt as if a lead weight was crushing my chest, even though there was nothing there. I looked into his eyes, and saw none of the warmth I was used to. He was a stone cold statue._

"_I was almost ready to believe you, that you really loved me enough to spend immortality with me. But from what I witnessed last night, I've damaged you enough. I tried so hard to let go of the jealousy I had towards Jacob. I pretended I didn't care whenever you went running off to see him, that you were just friends. But now I think I always knew that you were something more. That it wasn't all coming from his side."_

_I was crying now. Silent tears were pouring down my cheeks. Edward saw them, and something in his face thawed. His hand gently touched my face, wiping away the streams. I wanted to speak, but no words would come out. No thoughts could form coherently in my head._

"_I'm so glad that Victoria is dead, Bella," he said earnestly. "I would never have had anyone hurt you again. Even the thought that she would have got to you, I could hardly breathe, even though I do not need to. I know you think I still find it hard to control my thirst, Bella, but that's not true. After Italy, after I knew what it was like to be without you. And so I knew I would never do anything to take you away from me while you still loved me."_

_I was confused. It sounded as if he was trying to leave me, but everything in his words said he loved me. I stayed still and silent, hoping. Hoping he was only musing. Hoping he wouldn't go._

"_Bella, I've stayed part of your world for too long." He shook his head, pain etched on his face. "And so many terrible things have happened to you. You've had to live in fear of Victoria for too long. And the Volturi. That would never have happened if I hadn't been part of your life. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you that way, for making you believe that I didn't love you. I have always loved you. That's not the issue."_

_I was becoming slightly hysterical now, my breathing coming in rapid gasps as I willed for air._

"_But w-what is it then?" I begged, knowing how desperate I was beginning to sound._

_He stood up now, and stepped back a pace from my bed. I tried to follow him, but he gently, yet firmly pushed me back, so I remained seated. I looked up at his flawless face, trying to memorise every line, every curve. For I knew what was coming, and I needed to remember._

_Edward smiled sadly, and although it reached his eyes it was not the warm smile of adoration he normally reserved for me._

"_Bella, I'm bad for you. I told you once that I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted something more – if you outgrew me. And I can see that you have, even if you don't know it yourself. I knew it the moment I saw your face when I picked you up at La Push yesterday. Breaking Jacob's heart had broken something inside of you. Something I know I can never fix."_

"_Edward!" I was almost screaming now. Thank God Charlie had already gone to work, otherwise he would have heard every word. "No. No. I love you. I HAVE to be with you. I chose you, Edward, because I love you...I love you...". I was becoming incoherent, unable to concentrate on all the thoughts rushing through my head._

_He took a step forward, and put his hand on my shoulder._

"_Bella, I cannot make you immortal while I know that you love another. I cannot take away your soul!" His coal-black eyes flashed, and I remained silent. I knew there was no arguing with Edward when he was like this._

"_If I can be with you, I don't need my soul!" I cried, my face sinking into my hands. Edward shook his head. "How can you leave me again like this?"_

"_Please, Bella, don't make this harder for me than it already is," he sighed, looking away, and the look in his eyes was sorrowful. "I wanted you to marry me, for us to pass through immortality together as equals. Forever. I know that you love me. But I cannot turn you into one of us, take you away from Charlie, the life that you know, if there is any doubt in your mind as to how completely you love me."_

_I wanted to speak, but my voice was frozen again. I shook with the force of my sobs. Edward tried to place his hand on my shoulder again, but I shrugged him off. He looked hurt at this. But I wanted him to see how much he was hurting me. He was tearing my heart into pieces and scattering the pieces to the winds. _You love Jacob_, a small voice inside me said. _Edward's right to do this, you've hurt him so much. No! No! NO!

"_Then go," I spat, surprised at the strength of my voice now that it had finally come back to me._

"_I will. This time, I won't come back. I won't tear you in two any more, Bella. I know you'll find happiness with Jacob. You'll be able to grow old with him, have children, things you could never do with me."_

_At these words, the vision I had previously discarded flashed back into my mind. The two small black-haired children that ran from me into the forest. That was a future I could have. But I wanted Edward. My Edward._

"_You'll never see me again, as long as I know you're happy." He tried to smile at this, but it didn't even approach his eyes and I could see how much this was costing him. "I won't pretend this time that I don't love you. For I'll love you for the rest of my days, Isabella Marie Swan. For the rest of forever."_

_He reached for my face, and this time I let him come closer. He touched his cold lips to mine briefly in a soft kiss that spoke of longing and loss._

"_Tell him you love him. Be happy," were Edward Cullen's last words to me as he crossed my room and disappeared out my window, leaving my life for the second time. I raced to the window and looked, but of course he was already gone. My gaze dropped to a note I hadn't even seen him write, clinging to the windowsill. With trembling fingers, I opened it._

_Alice will send word to the Volturi. They won't bother you again._

_E_

_I sank down on the floor, my head against the window frame, and surrendered to my misery._

_

* * *

  
_

With a jolt, I woke from my memory. It surprised me how easily I had recalled that entire conversation. I knew that Edward's actions had made an indelible mark on me that I could not forget, but after months of barely thinking of him, it amazed me that this memory still made me feel so deeply. How I could still remember how quickly things had changed afterwards...

* * *

_After that day I spent slumped by the window, in a virtually catatonic state, I surprised myself with how differently I behaved this time. No screaming, no crying, no ragged, empty hole when I went to bed each night. I was only numb. When Charlie had found me sitting there that day, when he came home from work, I saw the look of pity in his eyes, the understanding on his face of what had happened._

"_Bella, I know they left. I'm not going to ask why this time, but I'm betting it's got something to do with Jake." His eyes tightened. "I could still kill that boy for hurting you. For worming his way back into your life and then just leaving again."_

_I stared right past him, not looking. But the next morning, Charlie nearly jumped out of his skin when I appeared downstairs, freshly showered and dressed smartly with my hair pulled back in a neat ponytail._

"_Where are you going, Bells?" he asked, confused._

"_A job interview at the Lodge", I replied calmly, pouring myself some cereal. "I heard they were looking for staff, and I could use a job."_

_Charlie looked flummoxed. I could tell he'd been expecting me to emerge zombie-like in my dressing gown and ponder a full bowl of cereal for an hour, my eyes red-rimmed._

"_Er, that's– that's good, honey. Keeping busy is probably the best thing right now." He shifted awkwardly on his feet, clearly wanting to say more but unsure how to proceed. Without warning, he pulled me into his arms and gave me a fierce hug._

"_I'll be okay, Dad" I told him calmly, and he watched me leave, shaking his head in disbelief._

_--_

_A few weeks later, I went to see Jake in his garage. He was fully healed now, working on another old car he was restoring, and had just started his mechanic's training._

_His russet face creased into a genuine smile when he saw me. No doubt he had heard what had happened, but he was choosing not to gloat over it. He cared about me too much to do that. He tossed me a soda from the grocery bag, warm as always. My hand missed and it tumbled to the ground. Jake caught it with seemingly no effort and placed it in my hand again._

"_You're such a klutz, Bells," he grinned, his white teeth sparkling. "I see your hand's healing well," he added, his eyes fixed on the brace that I still wore on my right hand. I could see the warmth and love in his eyes. And in that second, I abandoned all of my prepared speech, all the things I wanted to tell him. Dropping the soda, I threw my arms around him and kissed him passionately. Startled at first, his lips tensed and he pulled away._

"_What the hell are you doing?"_

"_There's so much I want to say, Jake. I want to tell you how sorry I am. That you were right. That I -"_

_But I didn't get any further, for in that second he brought his warm lips back to mine, pulling me to him with a violent urgency, one warm hand at the small of my back and the other in my hair, stroking my dark curls. It had all the potency of our first kiss on the mountain, but none of the poignancy, the heart-wrenching sadness. I only felt whole. Jacob was always the one to put me back together again. He didn't care that I was damaged, broken. He loved me anyway._

_As we broke apart, panting, he smiled down at me. "We'll take this slow, honey. I know you're still hurting. If you just want to be friends for now, I'll understand. I've waited long enough for you. I can always wait a little longer."_

"_No," I replied. "I want this."_

_And so Jacob and I began. I thought Charlie and Billy were going to explode with happiness when we told them. Billy even hugged Charlie, an unprecedented act for these normally guarded men._

_

* * *

  
_

I gasped. Suddenly I realised I was slumped on the ground in a pile of leaves. I was freezing cold. And tears were pouring down my cheeks. _That's to be expected, Bella, remembering all that, _I told myself firmly, brushing the tears away with the sleeve of my coat. The sky above me was darkening, and the sparkling light had vanished from the trees. Heaving myself up off the floor, I brushed myself down. I had no idea how long I'd been here, but Charlie must be home by now. He would be getting worried. I set off back to the house quickly.

"Bella!" Charlie said when I came in the front door, clearly relieved. He was sitting at the table with an open pizza box, steadily chewing on a slice. "I was worried, I thought you might be with Jake but you usually call."

"Sorry Dad, I meant to make dinner," I apologised, trying to compose myself. "I just went for a walk and lost track of time."

He shrugged and said "Don't worry about it. You cook for me enough, you're entitled to a night off once in a while. Pizza?" Charlie offered the box to me.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry" I mumbled. "I've got some work to do for college, I'd better get on with it." As I stumbled up the stairs, I could feel Charlie's eyes boring into me. He knew something was up. When I reached my room, the tears I'd been fighting back returned and spilled out of my eyes, soaking my cheeks.

Now I knew why I was crying. It wasn't remembering when Edward left me that was the final straw for my self-control, although that was part of it. It was remembering when I got together with Jake, remembering when I felt happy, complete and whole in his warm, strong arms. And honestly, I couldn't remember the last time I'd truly felt like that with him. I knew I loved him. But he didn't fill my heart the way he used to any more. Not the way Edward had filled it.

**Quite a long chapter, but as it's important to the story as a whole, I needed to explain the flashbacks fully. Next chapter...REVIEW and you'll find out what happens! :)**


	3. Longing

**Thankyou so much for the lovely reviews, and please keep reviewing – it's very motivating. If you liked it, don't just favourite it – review and tell me why you liked it :D. I'll update this as much as I can but I have a thesis to write, so that takes priority. Will keep on with my smut story 'The Private Lives of Vampires' also, next chapter of that will be up soon. Check it out if you love lemons and the Cullens!**

*** ****Many thanks to my fab little beta SunKing, and also to my Twilighted beta JessiesMama, for their patience and invaluable help on sentence flow/grammar. ***

**A little from Alice's POV to start with, then Bella's. Alice misses her friend and has been keeping tabs on her. A week or so later, Bella is lying in bed trying to sleep. But someone shows up at her window that night who she doesn't expect, and everything changes...**

**Playlist:**

**Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson**

**Lovesong – The Cure**

**The Reason - Hoobastank**

**Let's Go To Bed – The Cure**

**Underneath the Stars – Kate Rusby**

**Just The Way I'm Feeling – Feeder**

**Chapter 3: Longing**

_**I loved you; even now I may confess,  
Some embers of my love their fire retain;  
But do not let it cause you more distress,  
I do not want to sadden you again.  
Hopeless and tongue-tied, yet I loved you dearly  
With pangs the jealous and the timid know;  
So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,  
I pray God grant another love you so. **_

_**'I Loved You' – Alexander Pushkin**_

**Ithaca, New York - Alice's POV**

I sighed, absent-mindedly shredding a flower between my strong fingers. It was four o'clock in the afternoon and I was bored. Being bored didn't happen very often for me, as I normally tried to throw myself with gusto into fashion, design and other pursuits that I enjoyed. I had been working on some new designs for the wardrobes of Rosalie, Esme and I, but I didn't feel like that just now. _When you have eternity before you, it's normally pretty easy to be patient about doing nothing for hours at a time_. _But no Jasper to play with _either, I pouted.

Jasper was over at Cornell now for his Philosophy master's course. I was so proud of him: he'd come such a long way. He still found being around humans terribly difficult, but it was easier now that I didn't have to watch him constantly through my thoughts, focusing on the minutiae of every decision he made. I looked over and saw Edward on the other side of the living room playing the piano, composing something new as always.

_I can't believe how much he plays that freakin' thing_, I thought, shaking my head, though I felt sad for my brother. When he thought we couldn't hear him, he'd play her lullaby to himself, over and over, till his shoulders were shaking with emotion. I thought it was only I who'd heard him once when he thought we'd all gone out to hunt and I came back for something, but I told Esme and she told me she knew too. I hated to see Edward hurting like this, but I was nowhere near as pissed as I'd been at him that time when he came back and told me that we all had to leave again.

Carlisle and Esme understood, for such was the nature of our existence as vampires that we had to be ready to leave at any time. We still had the house in Ithaca from last time, and both Cornell and the hospital were glad to have Carlisle back.

I'd been so sure that Bella really loved my brother, that he was making a huge mistake, but I'd soon seen evidence to the contrary. She fell in pretty quickly with the wolf Jacob Black and that was that. I was attuned to Bella's mind as we'd previously been great friends, so I checked in on her with my abilities from time to time. I felt a slight pang at that thought. I knew I could be a bit crazy with my overexcited fashion advice and sleepovers, but she was really the only girlfriend I'd ever had. I really missed my Bella.

I knew Edward would be depressed, but I'd underestimated the depths of his despair. In the past two years, he'd lived a half-existence, barely alive. We were back to the old Edward we'd had before Bella came along. _Before she came along and brought him to life._ Tortured, self-loathing, always blaming himself for everything. Whenever any of us had tried to talk to him about it, he'd automatically shut down, his expression blank like a mask. I'd even got Jazz to try and alter Edward's mood. Of course, it was only temporary and Edward always realised what he was doing, so he'd given up after a while.

Esme was terribly worried about Edward, and her motherly concern showed every time she spoke to him. She'd bought him a new piano, tried to encourage him to enrol on a new college course, but he only wanted to play music. To connect with the one thing that reminded him of Bella. We were all past knowing what to do.

I closed my eyes, letting my mind focus on Bella. The thoughts were murky, chaotic...then suddenly I saw her. She was sitting on her bed, and she was crying. I winced at the thought of my friend being so unhappy. In between sobs, she muttered something. "_Edward."_ I couldn't believe it. _"Edward. I miss you. I'm sorry."_ From when I'd checked in on her recently I knew her and Jacob were still together, so this was a strange development. In the seconds that followed, I saw something else too, something even more surprising...but it hadn't happened yet.

I opened my eyes again to see Edward staring at me, full of curiosity.

"What did you see, Alice?" he said quietly, snapping the lid of the piano shut. "Don't lie to me, I know you've been checking in on..._her."_

_Was I really about to say this?_ "Edward," I began. "I just saw Bella. She's unhappy, and she's thinking about you. She said out loud to herself that she missed you."

And in that moment, my brother's golden eyes filled with pain. "Th – that wasn't part of the plan. I left her because I thought she wanted him. So she could be happy."

"I'm only telling you this because I feel like you've got a right to know. And I know you've never stopped loving her." With that, I left the room to allow my brother to be alone and think over this. I pondered what I'd seen. How sure was it that this would happen? Hard to tell. But somehow, I knew it was right.

* * *

**A week later, Forks – Bella's POV**

I rolled over in bed, sighing contentedly. I'd finished my homework and had dinner alone. Charlie had called to say he was crashing on Billy's couch after the game, as the storm was too bad for him to drive back. I thought I'd done quite well this week. After that bizarre outburst when I'd walked in the woods, my feelings had seemed to pass. Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to see Jake much this week as he was working a lot of overtime at the garage. However, when I'd seen him, it had felt good to be with him. What I'd thought before had to be wrong, Jake made me really happy.

_Bella, you're lying to yourself_, said a small voice in my head. _Shut up_, I thought defiantly. But the small voice was becoming louder by the second. _Edward Cullen. Edward. Edward. No!_ I'd barely thought of him in the last week, and I was proud of myself. I guess it was only natural that I thought about the man who'd broken my heart twice. No, broken was the wrong word. He'd torn my heart to shreds. Still, I had been relatively happy this week, keeping busy with my college work, and pulling a couple of extra shifts at the Lodge. The only time I couldn't ignore it was in my sleep. My dreams were full of him.

Putting my textbook on the floor, I switched off my bedside lamp and curled up under the covers. As I waited for sleep to find me, I could hear the wind whistling. It was going to be a stormy night. The branch of a tree scraped my window. And then again. _But wait, it sounds like tapping..._And suddenly, my window was pulled upward too fast for me to even see.

"Bella," a velvet voice murmured, one that I had never expected to hear again in all the days of my life.

My heart stopped for just a second, my breath catching in my chest. In the next second, Edward Cullen gracefully stepped into my room. I gasped as I took in his long, lithe body clad in a simple t-shirt and jeans, his unkempt bronze hair, his dazzlingly perfect features.

And in that instant, all reason left me. Nothing mattered. Not Jake, not the fact that Edward had left me heartbroken twice before. There was only him.

I threw my covers off and ran towards him. In two long strides, he closed the distance between us and our lips met. He kissed me, first tenderly, and then with a passion that kindled a searing fire in my belly. In all I could remember, Edward had never kissed me like this before. He was always tentative, careful. Right now he was anything but as his lips roughly pressed against mine, like he couldn't get enough of me. His hands were in my hair, at the small of my back, everywhere. His mouth trailed over my jaw line, causing a jolt of electricity to run through me. My heart was pounding unevenly, and I was sure he could feel it hammering in my chest.

All too soon, he pulled back, gently holding my arms to my sides.

"Why are you here?" I asked when I finally found my voice.

At this, his golden eyes looked pained and he turned from me, moving to sit on my bed.

"I still don't really know why I'm here. What madness drove me to get on a plane to Seattle, to run all the way here. To come and screw up things for you. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I should go now."

He moved to get up, but I shook my head.

"Edward," was all I said, but it seemed that his name from my lips softened him instantly, and he sat back down. "Stay."

"I wasn't ever going to come back, I swear to you. I thought I'd be content to know that you were happy. Well, not content, but – that I'd feel some sense that I was right to leave you. But Alice checks in on you, you know. She can see what happens to you."

I smiled a little at the thought that my best friend still kept an eye on me. I missed Alice so much.

"She never told me, and I never asked," he went on. "So I assumed you were happy. But a week ago, she told me you were in agony. She told me – that you said my name."

I flushed scarlet at this.. "I was worried about how I'd control myself after seeing you for so long," he added, gesturing to the blush on my cheeks. "But it's surprisingly easy."

"I keep thinking that I'm dreaming," I whispered, almost to myself. "That you're going to disappear."

Edward took both my hands in his, his eyes serious. "Does Jacob Black make you happy, Bella?"

"Yes. He was there for me when you weren't," I said acidly. Edward's face came closer to mine, and I couldn't move.

"But what I want to know -" he said in a throaty whisper, " - is does he kiss you like this?" And with that, his cold lips were on mine in a kiss so filled with need and passion I felt dizzy, my head spinning as I tasted his delicious scent on my tongue. My thoughts were full of how wrong this was. But it felt so right.

"Does he make you feel like this, Bella?" Edward growled, gripping my wrists once again, satisfied that my cheeks were flushed and I was breathing heavily. I realised that he could smell the arousal that was starting to dampen the juncture between my thighs, and I reddened in acute embarrassment. "You smell delicious," he breathed in my ear.

More wetness flooded my core as I heard his angelic voice speak those words to me. Edward had never been like this when we were together. He pushed me back onto the bed. The next second, I felt him unbutton my pants and slide them down my legs. _Bella, what the hell! You're with Jake, not Edward – you can't do this_. But I ignored the frantic thoughts in my head; instead giving myself over to this god of a man that was in my room.

He reached out to touch the thin silky fabric of my soaked panties, eliciting a gasp from me. As his fingers slowly began to massage my clit through the fabric, I couldn't breathe. Edward was touching me. Edward, who would normally push me away gently before things got too heated. Edward, who never let himself lose control.

But I couldn't just let this happen without saying anything. "Edward?" I asked tentatively. He looked up, and his eyes flashed with a dark lust I had never seen before. Taking his hand away, he replied.

"Yes?"

"What happened to being so concerned about your virtue?"

He sighed impatiently. "It doesn't matter to me any more, Bella. I wasn't sure before whether I could control myself being that close to you, but I know that I can. I've fantasised about you in so many different ways for the last two years, torturing myself with what I couldn't have. I've imagined that _dog _making love to you, holding you in his arms, seeing your naked body. I wished it had been me. I can't take it, especially now I know Jacob doesn't even make you happy -" I opened my mouth to protest at this, but he pressed a finger to my lips - "You were the only person I ever wanted to give my virtue to, Bella. I told you that day that I wouldn't take your soul. But you may have my virtue. It's all I have left, but I gladly give it to you."

"Edward," I simply said, my eyes filling with tears as I saw the pain in his eyes. How much pain had he endured these past two years? Part of me wanted to be glad that his decision had caused him so much pain. But I only knew that I wanted him too. In that instant, it hit me like a blinding flash. _I loved Edward._ I had always loved him. And right now, he was what I needed.

"Make love to me," I said.

I pulled him to me, and he kissed me long and slowly, our tongues intermingling. He tasted like perfection, like the sweetest nectar imaginable. I tugged his t-shirt over his head, running my hands over the planes of his muscular chest, and he sighed. I pulled my pyjama top off impatiently, and his eyes flashed darkly as he saw my small breasts for the first time. The next moment, I became aware that Edward had hooked his thumbs into my panties and was sliding them down my legs. As he threw them to the floor and gently parted my legs, seeing me down there for the first time, he let out a groan.

"You're so beautiful, Bella. Let me taste you, please."

I cringed. That particular act embarrassed me no end. Jake had performed it on me once or twice, but I couldn't relax, worried that he didn't like the way I tasted, how I looked. He'd pretty much given up, disappointed when he saw I wasn't enjoying it, and I was glad of it.

"I don't know if I -" I started to say, but he hushed me.

"Just relax, Bella. I may not be experienced in sexual matters, but I've had a lot of time for reading about it." The crooked smile that I loved came to his lips, and I could not help but stare at the exquisite beauty of his face.

Moving back up for a second, his lips met mine in a tender kiss, which I eagerly returned. I didn't know what my reasons were for giving into him right then. Maybe it was the way he smelled. I breathed in deeply and my lungs filled with his intoxicating scent. I had to have Edward. I wanted to consume him. Thinking no more, I surrendered to the hungry kisses he was placing on my body. His cold lips traced a path from my belly and downwards...

"Spread your legs, love," he whispered softly, using that old endearment he had always reserved for me. Automatically, I felt my thighs loosen and his hands gently pulled them apart. Edward was kneeling before me now, and I struggled not to blush, to clamp my legs shut. No one had ever looked at me so intimately for that long, not even Jake.

"You smell absolutely mouthwatering," he said, his dark eyes smouldering. "Don't blush, Bella. It's true."

Edward trailed icy kisses up the inside of my thighs, and I shivered with pleasure.

"Relax for me, Bella," he said, and without warning, he pressed his mouth to my most intimate area. As his tongue explored my soft folds, I involuntarily moaned at the pleasure. The sensation of his cold tongue on my warm flesh felt unbelievable. His hands gripped my thighs tightly, his thumbs pressing into the grooves of my hipbones.

He was a little tentative at first, but seemed reassured by my response and quickly became more adventurous. My nervousness and shame fell away as I gave into my desire for Edward. His strong tongue dragged down my slit, and then back up again. By this point, I was moaning loudly, unable to keep quiet, but for once I didn't care.

_Thank God Charlie's away_, I thought. Edward seemed utterly absorbed in me, his tongue curling about my aching clit. He seemed to be breathing me in, groans escaping him as his mouth continued to ravish me. As his tongue moved to dip inside me, I twisted my hands in the sheets, trying to hold on as he pleasured me so completely.

Edward's mouth began to suck on me, and his hands gripped my hips, pulling me closer to him.

"Edward, Edward," I cried, feeling my orgasm coming. But to my surprise, he pulled back, his eyes blazing with lust. "What?" I asked, annoyed that he'd just denied me my release.

"Oh, no, Bella," he smiled mockingly, amused at my anger. "The first time I make you come, I'm going to be inside you."

My small fingers unbuckled his belt, but frustrated at my slowness, he gently moved my hands away and unbuttoned his pants and underwear with the speed of a vampire, throwing them to the ground. My eyes greedily took in the long lines of his godlike, muscular physique, and knew I would never see anything so dazzling for the rest of my life. I could hardly believe that Edward was about to make love to me. _Edward._ It felt like a dream I was about to awaken from.

Edward lifted me gently and lay me back on the bed, so my head was resting on the pillow. His eyes shone as he looked down at my naked body.

"So beautiful." I blushed for the millionth time at his words, and he smiled.

"Are you – sure this is okay for you?" I asked tentatively, and he knew what I meant. He knew that I was asking him if he was still in control of his craving for my blood.

"That wasn't as difficult as I'd expected, even with your scent all around me and your blood at the surface of your skin," he replied with a reassuring smile. "I won't be too rough with you, I promise."

"Oh, be rough, please," I said without thinking. He raised an eyebrow.

"You don't know what you're saying, Bella," he said, his eyes narrowing. "I've never done this before. I could kill you so easily, if I wasn't so careful."

"I don't care," I breathed, pulling his face to mine to kiss his lips. And I really didn't. Death, to me, would be worth it to have this moment with Edward.

My legs opened, and Edward shifted up my body, ready to enter me. He felt icy against me, but it was a welcome contrast to the heat exuding from my body. I could feel how hard he was, his shaft poised at my slick entrance.

"You're so warm," he marvelled, his fingers lightly ghosting over my arm.

Slowly, he slid into me, pushing himself in right to the hilt. I gasped at the coldness of him, but it felt even better than I could have imagined. Shifting my hips, I willed him to move and end this delicious torture.

I looked up at him and his eyes were squeezed shut, his hands braced against my headboard. "Just a second, Bella." I nodded, knowing he had to make sure he could control his blood lust. I almost laughed at the irony of the situation. Edward had to control himself, but not for the reason most boys had to.

"It's tolerable now," he added, and he slowly withdrew before slamming into me again.

We soon found a rhythm together, his hips thrusting in time with mine. "Fuck me," I moaned. Edward's eyes flashed with desire at this and he brought his lips to mine, kissing me roughly.

"You...have...no...idea how amazing this feels," he said hoarsely, kissing along my throat, his wet mouth leaving a trail in its wake. He froze for just a second, and I knew he was fighting the urge to bite down, but instead his mouth sucked at my neck, which I was sure would leave a mark. He was pumping into me even harder now as his hands roamed all over my body, pulling me to him, and I could feel him hitting at the spot inside me.

But a second later, he pulled out. "I just want to try something, Bella." Confused at first, I understood as he flipped me over, bending my knees as he prepared to enter me from behind. In seconds he was inside me again and I breathed a sigh of relief, which quickly gave way to more moaning.

"You like that, don't you, you dirty girl," he murmured in my ear, and as one of his hands kneaded my left breast, the other moved to play in between my legs. He rolled my clit between his finger and thumb, stimulating me in time with his deep thrusts.

My breathing came in shallow gasps, and I knew I was getting close. I never would have believed that Edward would say or do such things. All I knew was that I loved this side of him I'd never seen before. An Edward who'd shed all the propriety and inhibitions of his upbringing.

I was enjoying the naughty position he'd chosen, but soon he laid me on my back again and I wasn't about to argue. Looking into his liquid gold eyes as he fucked me was probably the closest I was ever going to get to heaven. I raised my knees higher, wanting him to go deeper, and he responded, pushing himself into me harder than ever.

"Edward...I...nobody's been inside me like this before." I sighed, my hair sticking to my damp forehead. "How is it that you're so good at this?" He grinned briefly at my compliment, but his face changed in an instant.

"I want you to forget about _him_ right now. _He's_ never made you feel like this, has he? Edward's voice was barely more than a growl. His hands dug into the pillow either side of my head, and I guessed he was trying to contain his excessive strength.

"N-no," I moaned as he tipped his hips higher so that he ground himself against my clit with each thrust. "Oh God, no!"

Looking into his eyes, I noted Edward looked perfect as always, while I was flushed and panting. But he didn't seem to care, as he was gazing at me with pure adoration in his eyes. I could feel the pressure building as our hips met again and again.

"Bella," he whispered. "Come for me, love. Just let yourself go, come for me."

His silken voice was the last straw for me. I literally screamed as I came, my inner walls squeezing his length tightly as I shook so violently, my toes curling against his back. I didn't think orgasms could last this long, but a minute later it still wasn't over. I rode out the waves of pleasure, grasping his hard buttocks to keep him close to me. Edward gave a strangled groan above me and I knew he had also reached his climax. I heard a strange ripping sound but barely registered it as I continued to quiver from the aftershocks.

He rolled off my body and lay beside me, still as only Edward could be.

"Mmph" I said finally, still incapable of speech. I felt like I'd been utterly ravished. By _Edward Cullen_. It had seemed too good to be true that along with everything else, Edward would be the world's best lover too. But he really was. I'd just experienced the most intense orgasms of my life at his hand. It was only when his hand reached out to tenderly stroke my face that I realised tears were pouring down my cheeks. And there were feathers everywhere. He saw the direction of my gaze and bit his lip guiltily.

"My apologies, love. I appear to have destroyed your pillow," he said with a sheepish grin. "I had to channel the excess strength into something, thank God it wasn't you that I hurt." He noticed my tears and he frowned.

"Bella, you're crying."

Suddenly, the tears started to come thick and fast. I nestled into his stone chest as I cried, and he held me unquestioningly. We did not speak another word that night, and I soon fell asleep in his cold embrace.

I woke very early the next morning, it was barely even light yet. I opened my puffy eyelids. _Was that all a dream?_ Looking round, I was almost surprised to see Edward lying next to me just as before, but he'd put his clothes back on during the night, as well as tucking the blanket over me so I wouldn't get cold. The feathers had all gone, he must have tidied them up and set the other pillow from my closet beneath my head.

He smiled a devastatingly handsome smile at me, but then he dropped his gaze and something in his face had changed. It was more guarded, somehow. As he'd held me last night I knew that he was feeling responsible for my tears. But they weren't his fault, not really.

I sighed heavily. _Bella, you're such an idiot. _Last night had been the best night of my existence, by all accounts, and yet I still felt disgusted with myself. I hadn't realised the depth of feeling I still had for Edward, that I'd been keeping locked inside for so long. I had been unprepared for the suddenness of his advances.

_And what about Jake?_ The thought of his name sent a pang of guilt through me. I couldn't believe that I had so callously spurned his love last night when I threw away all the promises we made to each other by jumping in bed with another man. _Sleeping with my ex. It sounded like the plot of a bad sitcom, but that was what I'd done._ I still couldn't really think of Edward as my 'ex', though. Our love had been so much more than that, but I was furious at myself for giving in so easily. _Even though it was absolutely..._there were no words to describe. Not that I didn't enjoy myself whenever Jake and I made love, but with Edward, everything felt so different. _So primal, animalistic._

In the cold light of day, I could fully appreciate the enormity of what I'd done. I'd proven to myself that I very much still had feelings for Edward, but I didn't know how I felt about Jake. I loved him so much, but was it enough? It was so unlike me to do something like this. But Edward just had...something, and I could not help but be drawn to him.

Edward's clear, soft voice broke into my thoughts, snapping me back to the present.

"Bella, I - " he cleared his throat. "I want to apologise for the way I behaved last night."

"No, don't apologise," I replied, shaking my head. "I liked it." I blushed yet again.

But he still looked sorrowful. "It shouldn't have been like that. I took you...like an animal. I swore I wasn't even going to touch you at all. I just wanted to talk to you, to see if what Alice had told me was true. I'm afraid I was simply overcome by seeing you again. I know you always thought when we were together that I didn't want you physically as much as you wanted me. On the contrary, I wanted you so much I had to be so careful to never cross my boundaries. Last night, I don't know...I just didn't care any more. I had to have you, one way or another." A slight smile graced his lips at this and his eyes glinted wickedly.

Edward's words were like a knife to my heart. I knew he wanted me. I couldn't have him, though. It was all wrong, and I felt so confused. I wanted answers. Why had he come back into my life now, after so long? But I bit back my questions and spoke the words I'd been dreading all morning:

"You should go. Jake's coming here later."

Edward said something under his breath that I couldn't hear, and his eyes tightened in anger. "Be careful, he'll smell me on your sheets."

I made a mental note to take care of it as soon as he left. He got out of bed and pulled on his shoes. As I watched him tie the laces at lightening-speed, I couldn't help but appreciate the long, lithe lines of his granite body. He was truly godlike, not meant for a mere mortal such as me. I sat up, and the blanket fell down, revealing my breasts to him. I didn't realised he'd seen until he let out a quiet gasp.

Clutching the blanket to my chest, I hid myself, embarrassed.

"Don't be embarrassed, Bella. Your naked body is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he said. His intense, smouldering gaze made me feel as if my body was on fire. I had to get a grip on myself.

"Okay, so - " I started to say awkwardly. Edward moved towards my window slowly, pausing for a second.

"Bella, I don't know if you want to hear this, and I know it's terribly selfish of me to say it, but - " he began, looking a little uncomfortable. "Last night wasn't just about me being jealous of Jacob Black, or letting out ninety years of pent-up sexual frustration. I made love to you because I wanted to be what you wanted for once. A normal human boy wouldn't have spent their whole time denying their girlfriend a physical relationship. I shouldn't have disregarded your safety, but I reasoned to myself that I loved you too much to ever hurt you." He smiled sadly. "And we both know that isn't true. At least not in an emotional sense."

I wanted to speak, to tell him so many things. But I remained silent, a dull ache in my chest at hearing his goodbye words.

"I love you," he said in velvet-smooth tones, melting my aching heart. "And I've been in hell without you. I thought about you all the time while I composed songs for you on the piano, trying to capture your beauty in the music. My family thinks I'm a lost cause. Bella, I – I don't feel whole without you. If I even have a soul, leaving you splintered it into pieces. I was so sure that you loved Jacob more than me, but I don't think so. And I was a fool for reacting that way when you kissed him. The desires of a seventeen-year-old girl are changeable, I've come to realise that. But if I was to guess, I'd say you've never really stopped loving me all this time you've been with Jacob."

The truth of his words echoed in my head. I had never gotten over Edward. I'd locked him away, afraid to confront the pain. My body had responded to my vampire lover last night in ways I'd never thought possible, such was my lust for him. But I wasn't ready to hurt Jake, to simply run off with Edward. I was the girl who always thought everything through at length, and now I'd managed to make the biggest mistake ever. It was a beautiful mistake, but that's what it was. I had to try and work on things with Jake, for I really loved him. The vampire future I'd once longed for was gone, and even this night of passion with Edward wouldn't bring it back. Things had changed too much.

"Do you love him, Bella?" he asked seriously, his gaze piercing.

"I love him –enough," I responded, attempting to sound calm but my voice broke on the last word.

"Then I'll go," he nodded, his face tensed in an effort to keep it impassive. "But, Bella, I have to tell you, being with you like that was the best experience of my life. I won't be able to stop myself looking in on you from time to time, but you won't even know I'm there, I promise. I'll always be waiting in the wings for you, love."

I winced at his use of that word that fell like the sweetest honey from his lips. Fresh tears streamed from my eyes as I remembered how Jacob had also once said that last sentence to me. This was like some sick twisted version of my life, turned on its head. Edward had to leave now, before my resolve failed. I stayed still, though I longed to move as he swiftly leapt out my window, graceful as a cat.

_What have I done?_ For now, I thought it sufficient to sink back under my covers and hide from the world.

**What a turn of events! I hope you all liked it, let me know how you feel about this twist in the plot. Poor old Jacob, eh? Mmm, I just love a naughty Edward, don't think he's too OOC though. PLEASE REVIEW, reviews are like SQUEEEE for a writer :).**


	4. Contrition

**Fourth chapter guys! Thankyou for the amazing reviews, you're all great – please continue to REVIEW!  
**

**After Edward has left, Bella is overcome by guilt and confusion, and has to erase all traces of him from her room. Later, Jacob senses that she's behaving oddly around him, and questions her...**

**Playlist:**

**Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis**

**Colorblind – Counting Crows**

**Your Winter – Sister Hazel**

**Fidelity – Regina Spektor**

**Kryptonite – 3 Doors Down**

**Over My Head (Cable Car) – The Fray**

**Pretty Girl (The Way) – Sugarcult**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Contrition**

_**Heart, we will forget him,  
You and I, tonight!  
You must forget the warmth he gave,  
I will forget the light.**_

_**When you have done pray tell me,  
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.  
Haste! 'lest while you're lagging  
I may remember him!**_

_**Heart, We Will Forget Him – Emily Dickinson**_

I lay in stillness beneath my blankets, not wanting to move or think. I felt numb. The ragged, empty hole in my chest had returned the moment he had left. A few minutes later, although it felt like it had been hours, I sat up in bed and yanked the covers off me. I felt exhausted, and my eyes felt swollen from last night's tears. _Come on, Bella, you've got to get up now._ There was no use in staying in bed all day. I had homework to do, and besides, Jake was coming over later. That thought sent a panic through me. I would have to erase all traces of Edward before he got here.

Stepping out of bed cautiously, I remembered I was still nude. A flashback of last night washed over me.

_A cold mouth placing icy kisses along the length of my body, down, down...a soft voice whispering, "Relax for me, Bella."_

I shook my head, trying to banish the thoughts even as I flushed at the memory of Edward's mouth on my most intimate area. I chanced a peek at my naked form in the mirror and saw what I had feared: deep thumb-shaped bruises on my hips. Clapping a hand to my neck, I realised there was an enormous hickey there, caused by Edward's near-lapse of control. _Shit! Jake is bound to notice that._ I'd have to wear a turtleneck sweater or something.

I threw on my dressing gown. It was a Saturday, so Charlie would be back soon from Billy's. As I stripped the duvet cover, pillowcases and sheets off my bed, I felt like a cheap whore. I couldn't recall ever loathing myself as much as I did right then, and I was certainly no stranger to it.

I had a wonderful man who loved me, who took care of me, and I'd let it all go out the window last night for the man who'd left my life twice before. The passion of Edward's night and mine had overwhelmed me. It hadn't just been about sex, even though, by God, he was good. It had felt so loving, the way he had channelled his excesses, holding back even though it was hard for him to resist my blood, for he loved me too much.

And I loved him too much. Much more than I'd realised, until the dam had burst open last night, spilling out all the feelings I'd struggled to suppress. I couldn't believe what I'd done to Jake, however. I certainly wasn't going to tell him. No, I'd done this, and I wasn't going to absolve my guilt by hurting him. I'd just have to get over it.

Trying to be businesslike, I took all my bedding downstairs to the washing machine. I allowed myself to smell the pillowcase once, deeply breathing in his sweet scent for one long second before I shoved it in the machine. I poured a cup of bleach into the drawer before starting it. Then I went back upstairs and opened my bedroom window to air out the room. _What next?_

Dumping my dressing gown in the laundry basket, I headed to the shower. As I stepped into the stream of hot water, I sighed at the feeling. It unknotted the tension in my back and shoulders. I shampooed my hair twice, spending longer in there than I needed to, as it felt so soothing. Back in my room, I dressed quickly in a blue high-necked sweater and khakis. _Blue is Edward's favourite on me. No, shut up, Bella!!!_ I shook my head, exasperated with myself. Checking the clock, I saw that it read 10:30 am. Not a moment later, I heard Charlie's car pull into the drive.

I ran downstairs and quickly got myself some cereal and juice, trying to look normal even though my mind was overflowing with thoughts. Charlie came through the door and smiled at me warmly.

"Hi, Bells," he said cheerfully. "Sorry about last night, the storm was just too bad, would have been pretty dangerous to drive back. Hope you weren't too lonely on your own."

I choked on my cereal and took a quick gulp of juice. "No, I was fine. Just did some homework."

Charlie shifted from one foot to the other, looking a little uncomfortable. "Are you sure you're okay, honey?" he said, sounding concerned. "Just that you've seemed real down this past week or so. You and Jake aren't fighting, are you?"

I shook my head. "No, Dad, it's fine. I've just been tired. And Jake's had lots of overtime this week."

_Overtime he's doing so we can save up for our own place_, I thought bitterly. _And look how you've repaid him._

Charlie didn't seem convinced, but he let it drop and headed into the next room, slumping down on the sofa and turning on the TV. _Phew. _At least I was free from his scrutiny for a time. I finished my cereal, not escaping the fact that my hands were shaking. I had to calm down. Dumping my bowl in the sink, I sprinted upstairs to absorb myself in homework until tonight.

* * *

**Later**

Homework had helped slightly, taking my mind off my painful thoughts and getting me in the right frame of mind. I had nearly finished the cooking when I heard a soft knock at the door.

"Come in," I called, knowing who it would be. Jacob Black stepped through the door, his footsteps quiet as always. "As usual, you arrive just in time for dinner," I added, trying to keep my voice light and teasing.

"Wolf senses, baby." He winked, and his face creased into a smile. He was wearing a black t-shirt that strained tightly over his muscled chest, and black jeans. The black set off his russet skin perfectly. He looked good - really good.

"I missed you, babe," he said in a low voice, drawing me into his arms. In Jake's hot embrace, I momentarily felt at peace. It didn't matter what I'd done, or how I felt, these strong, warm arms were always a comfort to me. I loved this man very much, and he'd brought me so much happiness these past two years. _Yes, it was worth it_, I told myself. _Worth it to lock away my feelings for Edward, to concentrate on Jake._

"You're so small. My little porcelain doll." Jake grinned, stroking my hair.

"Hey! I'm not that weak," I protested feebly, but he silenced me with a deep kiss. His warm lips gently forced mine open and his tongue entwined with mine. The heat of his mouth felt strange after the coldness of Edward's mouth. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the sensations. They were pleasant, arousing even. But it didn't feel like when I'd kissed Edward. No fires burst beneath my skin. There was only a muted warmth.

"Charlie!" I called when we finally broke apart. "Dinner's ready."

"Hey, Jake," Charlie nodded to him.

"How it's going, Chief?" Jacob said with a grin as I began doling the spaghetti and meatballs that I'd prepared for the three of us onto plates.

We all sat down to eat, and Jake put his arm around me for a second. I felt a little awkward in front of Charlie, but he seemed quite pleased at seeing Jake's affection towards me. Charlie and Jake chatted about Jake's work at the garage, and I joined in intermittently. After the insanity of what had happened to me last night, it was nice to feel normal again. It almost felt as if last night had been a dream...

As I quickly washed up the dishes, Charlie went back into the living room. Jake came over and started to help me dry up.

"Thanks," I smiled, though it didn't reach my eyes. I think he noticed, for when I looked up again he was staring at me curiously, though he remained silent as he wiped the tea towel across the dishes. The washing up was soon finished and we went up to my room.

"Seriously, Bella, what's going on with you?" Jake burst out as soon as we got through the door. For a second, I thought he could smell something, but I breathed a sigh of relief when he said nothing.

"I don't know what you mean," I said crossly. I'd been trying so hard to act normal, and the fact that he'd seen through it meant all my effort was wasted.

"Bella, I noticed it when I was over the other day. You're tense as hell, you hardly smile. And your face looks just like it did...the first time _he_ left. Don't try and deny it. You're thinking about the bloodsucker, aren't you?"

I felt a blush creep to my cheeks, and I was so glad that Jake couldn't see inside my head right then. I bit my lip, and a tear fell from my eye. A wave of guilt washed over me at what I'd done to Jake. To my surprise, his face softened and he pulled me into his scorching arms, where I dissolved into sobs. I didn't deserve this comfort from him. _But I needed it, I needed it so badly._

"Shh, honey, it's okay," he murmured, his face pressed against my hair. We were still for a few moments, until my tears lessened. He felt so warm against me. I remembered how I used to call him my personal sun_. _Jake really was my sun, shining light on the darkness in my life. He carried me to the bed and sat down next to me, kicking his boots off.

"Bella, you don't have to feel guilty, you know," he said finally, turning to look at me. His face was so beautiful, so warm and open and his eyes shone with love for me. "Charlie told me the other day that you went for a walk in the woods. He was worried about you, said you were really upset afterwards. He didn't know what it was about, but I figured it out. I knew it must have made you think about the bl- er, Edward."

I blinked at Jake, confused. Over the past couple of years, I'd noticed that it was difficult for him to even mention Edward without fury flashing behind his eyes. Although that hardly mattered, as I'd barely mentioned, let alone thought of Edward until recently. I was surprised that Jake was being so understanding about it, but that only made me feel worse.

"I know what that jerk did to you," Jake went on, his eyes tightening a little. "I know that's the kind of thing that leaves a mark on you. And I think you suppressed it all, kinda, a couple of years ago. I remember thinking you dealt with it amazingly well, but maybe you didn't deal with it at all. If you are thinking about Cullen a bit, that's only natural, I guess. I wish you weren't though." He smiled tersely.

"Jake, I'm sorry. It's not..._him _so much. I just feel...lost." I snuggled into his warm chest, breathing in his delicious, masculine scent as I tried to forget the sweet honey-lilac smell of Edward's skin.

"I'll always be here for you, baby," he murmured, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. "I know you're in a funk right now, but just take the time you need. Delayed reaction, sometimes it just hits you. All that time ago, when I lost you to him – I tried to forget, shove away my hurt in some secret place inside me. But it came out eventually, and it was fucking awful. I know you don't still love that asshole, but I guess I'll have to accept that you might still be grieving for him."

Jacob's shoulders were starting to shake, and I could see how hard it was for him to say this. However, he managed to compose himself in seconds and curled his arms about me tightly, stroking my hair.

_Bella, you bitch_, said the small voice inside of me. _You've messed up everything. This guy is everything to you. And you're everything to him, so much that he doesn't even care that you're thinking about your ex. Whom you FUCKED last night._ I winced at the thought of that word, but there was no escaping what I'd done. I was in too deep. Jake made me feel better about myself, like I might still be a good person despite the fact I'd lied to him, and so I clung to the man I loved. I did not love him the same as Edward, but Jake and I had built a different love together over the past two years._ Different...but was it really enough for me?_

A little while later, Jake pretended to leave, for Charlie's benefit, and then snuck back in through my open window. Another memory surged to the surface...

_The swift sound of the window frame whistling up. The silent sight of Edward stepping into my room. His words: "Bella." Words that sounded like the smoothest velvet on his lips..._

I tried to shrug it off. Jacob bounded through the window gracefully and headed back to me, capturing my lips in a warm, sweet kiss. _Was I going to do this? I almost felt as if I was betraying Edward. But I had to make myself forget about him..._

Jake seemed surprised when my lips moved insistently against his and my small fingers insinuated themselves beneath his shirt, sliding it up his torso.

"Bella, w-what the hell?" he spluttered, breaking the kiss. "I'm not going to make love to you when you might be thinking about that bloodsucker." His eyes flashed for a second, but then it was gone and his face was impassive. I could tell this bothered him a lot more than he let on, and this sent a fresh wave of guilt pulsing through me. My heart was thumping, and I knew he could hear it.

"I don't know...I just want to feel good again, like I'm a good person!" I cried, putting my head in my hands. Jake reached over and gently, but firmly, pulled my hands from my face.

"Bella, honey, you are a good person," he said, shaking his head as if it was ridiculous to think otherwise. _If only he knew_, I thought bitterly. "But maybe you just have a little too much to deal with right now. Look, I think I'm gonna go now."

"What?" I said, dismayed. My only source of comfort was about to leave me too? _That's nice, Bella, letting your boyfriend comfort you while you think about your ex. _I winced as that thought hit me.

Jake looked at me, and I could see his soft eyes were full of agony he couldn't hide.

"I'm sorry, Bells, I tried to pretend I was okay with it. It's just too hard for me seeing you like this, and knowing it's got something to with that bloodsucker -" he didn't bother to cut himself off this time "- makes my blood boil. To think that you'd fuck me just to forget about him, agh! Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm in control of my anger. I might phase, and I could hurt you. I won't let that happen."

I said nothing and looked at the floor, my eyes welling with tears. Jake was my best friend, my lover, my protector. Was he trying to suggest that we go on a break? I knew what that meant.

"Does it have to be like this?" I said, my voice barely a whisper. I couldn't breathe. I had got everything I had ever wanted last night, and it might be costing me everything I already had.

Jake stroked my face with his warm hand, callused from mechanic work, and smiled sadly.

"For now," he said quietly. "It's okay. I'm just finding this difficult. I should have known you weren't over him. Look, we'll get through it. We've been through worse."

I couldn't argue with his last statement. Although he didn't know the full extent of my feelings, how far Edward had twisted his way into my heart even since last night.

"I love you, Jake," I choked out, and it wasn't a lie. I cared about this man so much him not staying tonight made my heart feel like it was splintering in two. I needed his warmth. I wanted to beg him to stay, to tell him that Edward didn't matter. But I couldn't, and so I stayed silent, my heart holding back the words my head wanted me to say.

"I know." And with that, Jacob Black squeezed my hand and leapt from the window. I felt an overwhelming sense of loss, and dissolved into silent tears, letting them trail down my cheeks, soaking my sweater.

* * *

I didn't sleep well that night, tossing and turning in fitful dreams. I dreamt of golden eyes set into a pale, perfect marble face, that seemed as immovable as stone to me, and just as enduring. I could spend a lifetime staring into those eyes. Every time I awoke and my eyelids snapped open, I could still see his face. I awoke yet again and stared at my clock. It was four in the morning, and I was unable to fall back into slumber. At least not a slumber that would give me any peace.

_Edward Cullen, _the voice in my head chanted. _Edward. I don't know what to do. What we did was the worst mistake, and yet the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. Everything's a mess, and I don't even know how I feel. I need you. I...love you_.

I searched under my bed for the photo album I'd hastily shoved away all that time ago when he'd left me here in this room. It had gathered dust after all this time, and I brushed my fingers over it, wiping the grey flecks from the shiny cover. Opening it, a knife twisted in my heart. A photo of Edward and I smiling at one another, taken by Alice. A photo of us at graduation, his face strained from the news we'd heard about Victoria. And the most heartbreaking yet, a silly photo Edward had taken of us kissing in his room, the side of his arm visible from where he'd held the camera towards us. We looked utterly in love, laughing into each other's mouths as we kissed.

How things had changed since then. I remembered the future I'd looked forward to, joining that perfect family of immortals. It seemed like a distant dream now. I missed Carlisle's acceptance, Esme's compassion, Alice's exuberance, Emmett's wit, Jasper's calm, even Rosalie's haughtiness. I missed them all, to the point of acute pain. I had scarcely believed Edward when he'd told me he didn't feel whole without me, no matter how genuine he seemed as he passionately made love to me, and even the next morning. How could he feel whole with someone as weak, as inadequate as I? The beauty he claimed to see in me was but a shadow of the flawless beauty I saw every time I looked at his face.

I didn't deserve him, and I didn't deserve Jacob either. Jake had told me I was like a little porcelain doll, and right now I felt as if I was made of that exact material, ready to shatter into a million pieces. I was trapped. Jake said he'd give me time, but how much time did one need to forget the brief taste of perfection I'd been given last night? A glimpse into a life that was all but gone now. I could hear my heart beating in time with each tick of the clock, and I knew that right now, it beat only for _him._

_

* * *

_**Hope you liked that one! More chapters coming soon. Also – will update the Private Lives of Vampires soon, nearly finished Rosalie and Emmett's chapter – check it out if you enjoy a bit of good old-fashioned SMUT.**

**I know, Bella is such a mope, always crying on guys shoulders - but hell, that's just how she is. I tried to convey her sincere love for Jake despite her overwhelming love and passion for Edward. Updates may be intermittent due to my thesis and other academic commitments, but I'll update whenever I can. PLEASE REVIEW – it makes me squeeee. This has over 1000 views and just 15 reviews – so, please? :D x**


	5. Purgatory

**Thanks for the great reviews - please keep reviewing as I don't have many! :( Updates may be sporadic as I'm having a bit of a family crisis, but I will update when I can. Thankyou all for your support.**

**This chapter's from Edward's POV, partly inspired by the Edward from the Midnight Sun draft. Let me know what you think, those of you who've read that. Cold - Crossfade sums up the chapter best, I think.**

**A few days later, back with his family, Edward is consumed with thoughts of Bella, his guilt and his sincere love for her. A conversation with Emmett gives him a lot to think about...**

**Playlist:  
The Kill - 30 Seconds To Mars  
Boys Don't Cry - The Cure  
Screaming Infidelities - Dashboard Confessional  
The Bitter End - Placebo  
Always - Saliva  
Fade Away - Seether  
Cold - Crossfade**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Purgatory**

_**I am not sorry for my soul  
That it must go unsatisfied,  
For it can live a thousand times,  
Eternity is deep and wide.**_

_**I am not sorry for my soul,  
But oh, my body that must go  
Back to a little drift of dust  
Without the joy it longed to know.**_

_**Longing – Sara Teasdale**_

**Ithaca, New York, a few days later – Edward's POV**

My room was quiet and still as I lay back on the couch with a sigh. I closed my eyes, and listened carefully, hoping for respite from my own thoughts. I could hear the rest of my family throughout the house. Esme was teasingly arguing with Carlisle about whether she should redecorate the living room, Alice was engrossed in _America's Next Top Model_ while Jasper sat beside her and played with her hair_, _clearly ignoring what was on the screen. Rosalie and Emmett were...ugh. I wished I hadn't tuned myself into the background noise just then when I heard the loud grunts and moans coming from their room. _Great. That's just what I need right now, to listen to that. _I grimaced.

Ever since I'd come back, Esme and Carlisle had said nothing but I knew they knew what had happened between Bella and me. Alice had told them all the moment I'd left. Christ, sometimes it was so embarrassing to have a sister who could see the future. I'd wanted to be angry with her when I arrived back, knowing what she'd seen before I left. But I couldn't be. By telling me, she'd given me the chance for the most wonderful gift of my wretched life. All the passion I'd ever had, and still continued to have for Bella, had come out that night. Not that I didn't know it was wrong, and despite wanting to rip his face off, I actually felt bad for Jacob Black. That hadn't mattered one bit, however, as I'd given into my basest desires for Bella. I tried to fight the deluge of memories that threatened to come to the surface, but I was unsuccessful...

_My mouth on her soft flesh, teasing her into oblivion. Bella in my arms, moaning my name as I thrust into her. The euphoric feeling as she clenched around me, squeezing my release out of me..._

_Enough! _I almost shouted to myself. I sighed heavily. The rest of my family had tried to be helpful when I'd come back in a dark mood, not speaking to anyone, with varying degrees of success.

_..."High-five, man, you finally got some!" _Emmett grinned as he held his hand up, ignoring Rosalie's look of horror behind my back as she vehemently shook her head at him. I almost wanted to laugh at my brother's typically irreverent response, but I was afraid if I betrayed any emotion, all my misery would flood out like a tide. I merely glared at him.

"_Er, sorry, bro," _was his awkward response as his hand fell back to his side. I could tell he and Rosalie were going to have words after that. Despite the fact that we irritated one another, she would be very angry that Emmett had said something to upset me. She was always very loyal to our family, even to her know-it-all, mind-reading brother.

Alice was quietly serene, as she'd known it would happen. I wanted to say something to her, but I'd remained silent. "I knew she still loved you," was all she said, a hint of smugness in her high, clear voice. Jasper had thankfully avoided mentioning it to me, knowing I wanted to be alone in my thoughts right then.

What did surprise me a little was the extreme guilt I was feeling right now. Of course I felt guilty for taking Bella so roughly. _You could have killed her!_ But that wasn't the whole story. I actually felt bad because she was in a relationship with someone else. Jacob, my sworn enemy, no less. It hadn't surprised me that she'd taken up with that dog a while after I'd left, something I'd only learned from Alice before I'd left the other day. He'd been holding a torch for her for a long time, and I knew he wouldn't have wasted any time when my departure finally gave him the opportunity he'd been wishing for.

I could hardly blame him. Bella was an enticing person to be around. She never believed me, but so many men were dazzled after speaking to her, or even by merely looking at her. When we were together I'd had to endure hearing the constant thoughts of would-be suitors imagining what they'd do to her. She was just so utterly, heartbreakingly beautiful. I remembered the first night I stole into her room to watch her sleep. At that point I'd still been fighting with my desire to drain the blood from her body, but I had still recognised the feelings I had for her that weren't blood lust.

Her beauty captivated me. I'd fallen in love with Bella Swan, and at the time I'd known that it would be forever. Change for vampires was a permanent thing, and the one we loved would change us for all eternity. This small, fragile, human girl had altered me completely in that moment I watched her dream for the first time, and I would love her for the rest of my immortal days, even when she was long dead. I winced at that thought, unable to even process the idea of Bella not existing. The memory of her was so alive, so vital. I thought of her creamy skin that would flush where the hollow of her neck met her throat, her sparkling brown eyes, her warm, soft body that I'd fantasised about seeing in full so many times.

The fact that there was a reality to my fantasies now didn't make anything better. It only made it worse. I'd had a taste of physical love with her, and it had only made me miss her even more.

I knew it had been painful for my family these last few months, but I had to stay with them. It would be far worse if I'd been alone completely with my misery, as I'd been in that wretched slum in Rio that I'd called my home for the months I was away from Bella the first time. And I knew it would hurt Esme most of all if I left. I felt a pang at how worried my sweet, kind adoptive mother had been about me these past few months. I knew she appreciated that I stayed with the family, but she knew that I was in hell, perhaps more than the others did, excepting Alice. I remembered the first time she'd really noticed how obsessed I was with Bella's memory...

_...Edward's playing Bella's song again, _she sighed to herself, pausing on the threshold as she came back from hunting. _Such a beautiful tune. If only he could find a way to be with her again, somehow. She made him so happy, so alive..._She'd cut off her thoughts abruptly when she remembered I could hear them from the other room where I played...

I shook off the memory, angry with myself for hurting my family with my own pain. It seemed I couldn't win: it pained them, seeing me like this when I was here, but yet, if I had been gone, it would have hurt them even more. My thoughts turned back to Jacob. I remembered how I'd told her I wanted her to be with Jacob Black, that he made her happy. When I'd first entertained the thought, long ago, that she had most likely consummated her relationship with him, if I'd been human, bile would have risen to my throat at that thought. I couldn't bear the idea that that _dog _had been her first. _I wish it had been me. I wish I'd found the strength to control myself while we were together. _I hoped, at least, that I'd proven to be a better lover than him. I could hardly think of this, but at the time I'd felt slightly smug at the extreme way Bella's body has responded to me. Even if I had made her feel ways she'd never felt before, that she'd never felt with _him, _what did I hope to accomplish with this?

Guilt surged through me once more. I'd committed the ultimate selfish act by making love to Bella, giving into my own desires, but awakening hers, and undoubtedly making her feel guilty at being with another man. _Well, if I can call myself a man_, I thought wryly. I was sure Bella must be feeling terrible right now. She was such a good person, and I'd gotten her to do something so unlike her. Although, it was hardly something that was like me either.

I'd been raised to be proper and gentlemanly in dealing with women. The Edward Masen my real mother, Elizabeth had raised would never have done something like that, but he was gone, and for the past ninety-odd years this monster had taken his place. It was the monster that had won out that night with Bella. Not entirely, of course, for I'd been able to resist her sweet blood more easily than I'd thought. No, it was her sweet arousal that had driven me crazy. I remembered the smell of it and closed my eyes, inhaling deeply. She smelled like heaven, and tasted even better. _Oh, the taste of her..._I involuntarily moaned as I remembered that.

I couldn't blame her for sending me away the next morning. What had I expected, that she'd forget what I'd done to her, leaving her not once, but twice? I'd reneged on my promise that I would always be there for her, in the worst possible way. She was hardly going to throw her long-term relationship with her werewolf away for me, the one who broke her heart._ Oh, but I how I wished she would._

I knew she'd understandably doubted the words I spoke to her just before I left, about how I loved her, that I'd been in hell without her, but never had any truer words been spoken. _No, I was in something worse than hell. _I burnt in ash and brimstone every second I was away from her, and the fires blazed hotter each time I imagined her with him. He was the one permitted to touch her, hold her, make love to her – not I. I did not deserve those things, the soulless monster that I was.

I could not help but hope that what I said was true though: that she'd never stopped loving me. When I arrived in her bedroom, I'd expected her to scream at me, to tell me to get out. Instead, she'd caught me off guard by running straight into my arms to kiss me. What I did was inexcusable, but that kiss had instantly weakened my resolve not to touch her. Tasting her soft, warm lips had only made me want to play out my other fantasies. It had been perfect, the act itself, as far as I remembered. I knew from my brothers, and numerous books, that foreplay was important to a woman, and so I'd made sure that I'd placed her own pleasure above my own. Making Bella feel good was all I cared about, but I'd felt far more pleasure than I could have even imagined when we got to the main event.

Before I met Bella, being with a woman that way was something I'd given up on ever experiencing. Not that I'd hadn't had chances before. _Tanya certainly would have..._But I'd never felt strongly enough for anyone before to want to do that. Perhaps it was a product of the time I was brought up in but, for me, love and lust would always keep the same company. I'd drifted in this essentially monk-like state for the entire century, until Bella suddenly woke my human desires up. They were more powerful than I'd ever remembered them being, in my hazy memories of being a human teenage boy.

But, no, I was a selfish monster. I was no better than an incubus, a demon who preyed on beautiful women to satisfy its sexual desires. I could have killed her in the pursuit of my own pleasure; one slip would have been all it took. Thank God I'd taken care to watch myself, and prepared myself for the loss of control that came with my orgasm by biting into a pillow and not her warm, smooth neck. I feared that I'd probably bruised her, but at least it had not been anything worse. I'd held her with the lightest touch I could, but it was difficult when she was urging me on, pulling me closer and closer to her...

I put on a loud, violent CD and placed headphones over my ears, hoping to drown out my thoughts, but it did no good. I carried on torturing myself with thoughts of Bella Swan for the next few hours, lying absolutely still on the couch with my eyes closed as I absorbed myself in her memory. Every so often, one of my family members would come by and pause outside the closed door, wondering if they ought to come in, but each time they thought better of it.

I loved her more than life itself, more than that _dog_ loved her, I was sure of it. A snarl escaped my lips at that thought. But what could I do? Even if she changed her mind and chose me, how could I condemn her to this half-existence dominated by an eternally unquenched thirst? I had never wished more that I had been able to sleep than at that moment, to be free of these consuming thoughts.

I was startled by a knock at the door, so immersed in my own mind that I'd hadn't heard their thoughts or footsteps. It was Emmett.

"Come in," I sighed, resigned to the fact that I had to see people sometimes.

Emmett stepped into the room slowly, clearly not sure what to say to me. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Hey, I just thought I'd see if you were okay. Esme asked me to come and check on you."

I half-smiled to myself. Esme would, of course. I knew she'd sent Emmett, because despite his flippant nature, he understood me the best out of my brothers. I beckoned him in, sitting up on the couch as I did. He sat down beside me.

"You know I'm not great at this kind of thing, and I'm probably gonna say something insensitive, so just ignore me when I do." In spite of myself, my face creased into a smile.

"I'd expect nothing less," I said to him.

I saw what he was thinking. Emmett would often talk to me through his thoughts; it was something we did when we didn't want people to hear our full conversation. Unfortunately, his thoughts often included disgusting fantasies about my sister. Being reminded of his and Rosalie's intensely physical relationship was trying at the best of times, but even worse right now. At the moment, though, there were no such thoughts in his head.

_Jeez, you've really got it bad for that chick_, he thought_. It's been so long, and you still love her. Way to go, Edward, dumping her again when you didn't want to..._

"Yeah, I know you can hear me," he said, shrugging. Emmett's was the one mind in my family I didn't really feel bad about hearing, as he rarely had private thoughts he wouldn't want me to know.

"I have got it bad," I said quietly. "You have no idea. Was it always like this, for you, Em, with Rosalie? I know it's not the same; you never had to be apart from her, but imagine if you had to be? Would it cause you physical pain?"

He nodded, unable to even comprehend that thought. "I couldn't be without her. She's my life. Even as mad as she makes me sometimes." He grinned to himself, thinking again.

_But doesn't it make you want her more, having actually er...screwed her? I know I didn't exactly react in the best way, I just couldn't help being excited at my little bro finally getting some after nearly a century. Props for not ripping her to pieces or biting her, by the way. I wouldn't have shown the same self-control._

His thoughts were hardly tactful, but that didn't surprise me. "Technically, I'm older," I reminded him curtly, ignoring the last part of what he'd said. Everyone did think of me as the baby, as I'd been seventeen when I'd been changed, even though I was the second Carlisle had brought to the family, making me the third oldest after Jasper. Emmett had been twenty when Rosalie had found him half-dead from the bear attack, and so he liked to call me 'little bro' just to wind me up.

"So, was it good?" Emmett said after a moment, clearly fighting with his desire to ask me even more prying questions, and not entirely succeeding.

I chuckled, an unfamiliar sound coming from me. "Emmett, it was...you have no idea. It was what you and Jasper have always said, but it was more than that. It felt like I was expressing my love for her in the most natural way."

_What a fag._ I caught that particular thought and raised an eyebrow. _Er, sorry, it's just funny to hear you say something like that, you being the eternal bachelor in the Cullen household and all. I know what you meant, it's like that when me and Rose do it._

"Well, I'm sure you showed her a good time." He laughed, a deep, booming sound. "Vampires have a reputation for being dynamite in the sack." _Okay, I know, not helping. Just trying to lighten the mood here._

"It's okay, I don't mind," I said, and I honestly didn't. Emmett's cheerful banter was a welcome antidote to my unrelenting gloom. "She enjoyed herself, but that makes it even worse. It's like I've seen what it could be like if we were together all the time. It's killing me, and of course, that isn't even my only problem. You know she's with Jacob Black?"

He nodded. _Yeah, I knew that. He always seemed to take a shine to her._ _That stinking werewolf_. He wrinkled his nose as he recalled that wet dog smell that characterised the La Push wolf pack. "Look, don't beat yourself up about it. At least you didn't kill her."

My eyes flashed with anger, and he fell silent, thinking. _See, I told you, man. That's Emmett, the insensitive jerk, right there._

"I – love her," I choked out, my face falling into my hands. "I don't feel whole without her." Emmett patted my shoulder in an uncharacteristically sympathetic gesture.

"Then maybe she's worth fighting for. You know I think Bella's great, we all do. Er – maybe not Rose, but she's got her reasons, you know that. My point is, you can't give up that easily if she's really what you want." He fell silent then and only spoke to me through his thoughts, not wanting anyone else in the house to hear.

_After Rose found me and brought me to Carlisle, we didn't exactly have an easy time of it for the first few years, if you remember. She wouldn't even let me touch her, because of what that sick bastard fianc__é__ of hers and his friends had done to her. But we got through it. I knew she was worth waiting for. And I had eternity to wait, anyway. _He smiled.

I knew all this, of course. It was these sorts of things that made me curse my mind-reading abilities, the fact that I heard so much more than the parts my family meant me to hear. I could see Emmett's point, though. Regardless, I knew I would wait for Bella for the rest of her life because that was all I had, and as a human, her life slipped away with each tick of the second hand. And yet I couldn't even think of her as an immortal, like me, taking her human life from her. I'd been selfish enough already.

Emmett's thoughts broke into my mind again. _Being with someone who'd give you up in a second if she had the chance to be human again is never exactly easy, you know, as much as Rose loves me. Relationships are hard. You have to learn to take the good with the bad._

I couldn't think of anything to say right then. I knew that Emmett would only let me, out of everyone, know these things. Even he, the perpetually happy-go-lucky one of the household, had his own private fears, and I felt privileged that he allowed me to know them. I smiled at my brother, grateful that he'd spill his own secrets just to make me feel better, and lightly punched him on the shoulder.

"Hey!" he countered, shoving me back with a force that would have knocked me off the couch if I hadn't known it was coming. I grinned weakly.

His thoughts were not finished though, and they filled my head once more. _Bro, please, just cut the self-sacrificing bullshit and go after what makes you happy for once! Leaving her twice for these 'noble' reasons of yours – well, the first time, it nearly got you both killed, and the second time, it pushed her into the arms of your enemy. _I grimaced at the images I could now see in his head. He was picturing a different Bella to the one I knew, a Bella with pale, granite skin and glowing, red eyes.

_She was meant for this life, Edward, for you. You know it._

_NO! _I thought. Emmett couldn't hear what I was thinking, but the tension in my face betrayed me.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go now, I've said more than I should have" Emmett said after a second, looking reproachful. "I'll leave you to over-analyse in peace."

I gave him a small smile. _My brother knew me so well_, I thought_. I really was the most introspective one of the family, always mulling over every minute detail of my pathetic existence._

"Hey," he added, pausing in the doorway. "Don't forget what I said. You shouldn't give her up so easily. Never mind the dog. I doubt she loves him as much as she loved you. The first time I saw you with Bella, I knew that girl was goddamn crazy about you. Lord knows why." His last words were teasing, despite the seriousness of what else he had said. With that, he left and I heard him head downstairs to the living room, where Esme waited.

"_How is he, sweetheart?"_ she asked tentatively, concern heavy in her voice.

"_Holding up,"_ was all Emmett said, and I was grateful for that.

I felt disgusted that Emmett's words had actually given me hope, something I hadn't felt in so long. Hope that Bella still loved me, hope that she might forgive me and take me back. But she would have to hurt Jacob to do that, and it would hurt her. I didn't want her to be hurt again. _I couldn't bear it. _I sighed, full of hate for what I was: a soulless creature who wanted to destroy the happiness of another for his own gain. My thoughts turned back to her and I pictured her face, ignoring the stab of pain it caused me. _My Bella. _My dead, frozen heart had not beat in over ninety years, but if it could, it would have beat only for _her_ right then.

**I probably enjoyed writing this chapter the most – Edward's my favourite character to write. How did you all like Emmett and Edward's chat? I tried to get the characterisation as well as I could.**

**N.B. I had a little bit of a problem with the age thing. In terms of age when changed, oldest-youngest: Esme (25), Carlisle (22), Emmett (20), Alice (19), Rosalie (18) Edward (17). Jasper's the problem as we never know how old he actually was when Maria changed him, he was in the Confederate army and promoted through the ranks quickly from a young age. But obviously, after Carlisle he was born first, so in that sense he's the second oldest. For the purpose of the story I've assumed he's 19, which would place him between Emmett and Alice on the list, making him the fourth/fifth oldest when changed, depending if Aice is an older 19 or not. Doesn't really matter that much, but just thought I'd clarify that point.**


	6. Compulsion

**A big thankyou to those who reviewing, and please continue to review! I used a tiny bit of dialogue from Breaking Dawn in a fantasy Edward has (Chapter 20, Page 363). Some tasty smut in this chapter, hope you enjoy!**

**Bella becomes even more obsessed with thoughts of Edward, and makes a visit to an old friend to talk things over. She goes to see Jake, unable to stay away, but his jealousy threatens to destroy everything. Meanwhile, Edward decides to come to Forks to check on Bella without her knowledge, but what will he find?**

**Playlist:**

**Missing – Everything But The Girl**

**That's What You Get - Paramore**

**Hearing Damage – Thom Yorke**

**Teardrop – Massive Attack**

**The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows – Brand New**

**Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off – Panic! At The Disco**

**Breathing – Lifehouse**

**Crawling – Linkin Park**

**Already Dead - Silverstein**

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**Chapter 6: Compulsion**

_**How much are they deceived who vainly strive,  
By jealous fears, to keep our flames alive?  
Love's like a torch, which if secured from blasts,  
Will faintlier burn; but then it longer lasts.  
Exposed to storms of jealousy and doubt,  
The blaze grows greater, but 'tis sooner out.**_

_**Love and Jealousy – William Walsh**_

**A few days later, Forks, Bella's POV**

I hung up my uniform on the staffroom peg and stretched, exhausted. I hadn't been sleeping much these past few days, ever since Jacob had told me that it was too hard for him to be around me right now. My thoughts were full of him, and of Edward, too, of course. Sitting down on the bench, I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.

"Bella?" A familiar voice broke into my thoughts. My lids snapped open, and I saw my manager, Beth Crowley, staring at me. "Are you all right, dear?" she asked kindly, biting her lip in concern._**  
**_

"I'm fine," I said, mustering a small smile. "Just a bit tired."

"I was only wondering because, well, I just heard that you and Jacob were having some problems."

I inwardly groaned. God, Forks drove me mad sometimes. The small-town gossip mill would go insane over the slightest thing. I'd always been a favourite for it when I was with one of the 'weird' Cullens, and clearly, many people still took an interest in my love life. Beth was a nice woman, though, and she was a good manager who'd let me fit my shifts around my community college classes as I needed to. Admittedly, she hadn't been the friendliest at first, probably due to the fact that Edward had humiliated her son Tyler that time he'd assumed he was taking me to prom. But I'd worked hard for her, and she was now quite glad to have me around.

"You heard that, huh?" I said, looking at the floor.

Beth smiled sheepishly. "Well, you know how it is around here," she replied. "News travels fast. I know you're coming off your shift, hon, I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"We just had a bit of a fight," I admitted quietly. For one second, I considered confiding the whole story in her. _No, Bella, that's madness. She and all the other moms gossip like crazy._ And besides, if I told her the whole story I'd almost certainly end up in the psychiatric ward. I almost smiled at how bizarre and intricate my life was, with all the supernatural happenings I had to hide.

"Well, maybe you should just talk to him," she said, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly. "Relationships aren't always a walk in the park. Bella, Richard and I have been married twenty-five years, and we still have a pretty bad fight once in a while."

_Maybe, but have you ever been deeply in love with someone else? I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of thing you can just talk over_, I thought, sighing deeply.

Beth could see that I wasn't in the mood to talk about it, so she drew back and pulled out a notebook from her pocket. "So, when are you working next week?"

"Tuesday evening, Thursday afternoon and Saturday all-day sound okay?"

"Perfect." She smiled and headed out of the room. I tried to compose myself. That two-minute conversation had left me in turmoil. What had happened with Jake and me was far more complicated than a cheerful, optimistic person like Beth Crowley could ever realise. _I'm a wreck. I have to sort myself out._

I felt a stab of sadness as I remembered just whom I would have normally talked to about this kind of thing. _Alice Cullen._ In that moment, I missed my overexcited pixie-like friend more than ever. Well, part of my problem was about her brother, but I'm sure she'd have some good advice. I felt so lost. It was late afternoon on a Sunday, and Charlie was out fishing. _What to do?_

Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do. With this thought in mind, I quickly left the restaurant and ran over to my truck. As the engine roared to life, I breathed a sigh of relief as I pulled out of the car park and headed in the direction of La Push.

I knew whom I was going to see. We hadn't talked in a while, but Seth Clearwater had to be one of the kindest people I'd ever met. And besides, he knew Jake well. Despite their age difference, they'd been great friends ever since the battle two years ago.

My guilt had been consuming me for these past few days. I'd wanted to pick up the phone and call Jake so many times, but something had always stopped me. Not that he'd called me either. Charlie knew, naturally, from Billy – those two gossiped like old women when they got going. He'd tried to gently ask what had happened, but was met with stony silence from me. I didn't think I really could explain without going to pieces in front of him. I felt sick at what I'd done to Jake. Jake knowing that I was thinking about Edward was killing him, I was sure of it.

_Not killing him as much as it would if he knew that you'd fucked Edward._ I winced at the harsh voice in my head. I didn't think the f-word had any bearing on what Edward and I had done. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced...and I had to let it go. I had to let him go. _By God, though, it was killing ME. _I thought about Edward all the time, as much as I thought about Jake, and increasingly, more. I loved Jake so much, but I didn't know how to solve the problem of my obsession with Edward that seemed to be steadily worsening as the days went on.

I pulled into the driveway of a house that was familiar to me, but that I'd never been to before. I headed to the front door of the little blue house and raised my hand to the doorknocker, but before I could knock, the door was wrenched open.

"What do _you_ want?" a harsh voice hissed at me. I looked up to see Leah Clearwater standing there, her long dark hair swishing in the chilly breeze. _Damn_. I'd forgotten about Leah. I knew she was far happier these days, and had even attended Sam and Emily's wedding as a bridesmaid - proof that her resentment for Sam had finally abated. However, in all the times I'd spent at the reservation in the past couple of years, she was always conspicuously absent. I knew Leah hated me because of the vampires I'd once associated with. Because, when she had transformed into a wolf, along with Seth, the shock had contributed to her father Harry's fatal heart attack. Looking at Leah, even as she surveyed me with an air of distaste, I still only felt pity for her. I could see how she had once been thought beautiful. Her dark eyes and raven hair set off her bronze skin perfectly, but there was a harshness in her face that clouded her beauty.

"Is, uh...Seth in?" I asked tentatively, not sure what to say to this fierce girl.

"Seth!" she called loudly as she disappeared back into the house, eager to avoid any further interaction with me. I sighed. Well, Leah was obviously never going to like me. After a moment, however, that didn't matter as a tall, gangly, dark-haired boy ran to the door.

"Hey, Bella!" Seth grinned, showing all his white, even teeth.

"Hi, Seth," I said a little shyly. I hadn't been at La Push much recently, even though I used to hang out with everyone here a lot.

As happy and calm a person as Seth was, I realised he knew what the real reason for my visit was when he paused before he spoke.

"Want to come and walk on the beach? There's some wicked wave swells we can watch," he said animatedly.

I laughed at Seth's adorable enthusiasm. He was such a perpetually cheerful guy. Kind of how Jacob used to be, really..._Before you messed him up, Bella. SHUT UP!_ We set off towards the beach, comfortably falling into step beside one another. I decided to cut to the chase and bring up the subject that I'd come here to talk about.

"Seth?" I asked tentatively.

"Yeah?" he replied, probably knowing what I was about to ask but showing no sign that he did, the easy smile he always wore still on his face.

"How's Jake?" I bit my lip and looked down and the ground, walking slightly faster. Colour rose to my cheeks and my heart thudded in my chest as I anxiously waited for his answer.

"He's not great, to be honest, Bella," Seth began, looking slightly uncomfortable. "He seems really, really upset. He didn't say much to me but I figured it had something to do with, well – Edward." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye to see how I reacted to hearing Edward's name, but I managed to keep my face impassive. "I know that look in his eyes. He used to have it all the time when you and Edward were together." Seth let out a small sigh, and I realised what he was thinking.

_He missed Edward too._ They'd formed a strange sort of friendship when they'd worked together to protect me from Victoria, and I knew poor Seth had felt quite a sense of loss when the Cullens had left soon after. _You and me both, kid. _He was the only Quileute I'd ever seen to be visibly comfortable around the vampires, probably because Seth was just so nice. It wasn't in his capacity to hate anyone. It was that quality that made him a great companion for me right now, when I was deep in self-loathing and guilt.

"I've been - thinking about Edward a lot recently," I confessed, struggling to get the words out. "I don't know why, and it makes me feel so guilty. Jake sort of realised, he said I had this look on my face that he knew." I paused and saw the big, bleached tree sitting there on the beach in front of _us. Jake's tree, and mine, it had once been. Back when I was still with Edward, when Jake and I were in our uneasy, but happy dance between friends and something else._

If I'd been worried Seth would judge me, all of those fears fell away when he smiled kindly and gestured for me to sit down on the fallen trunk of the tree. He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. "Hey, it's okay, Bella, it's only me. I'm friends with you both, and I can see it from both sides."

The scorching heat of his skin was not a surprise, but still made me jump slightly. I was grateful for the warmth though, as a cold wind was picking up.

"What shall I do? I feel like I've really hurt him, and he won't forgive me. He said he didn't want to see me for a while, that he thought I had too much to deal with right now."

"He really loves you, Bella," Seth said, and I knew his words were in earnest. "So much more than you know. He just gets jealous, and it's hard for him to process the idea that you really love him, even though you're feeling – I dunno – nostalgic about Edward or something."

_Nostalgic. _I very nearly laughed out loud at how ridiculous that sounded. _Oh, if only it were that simple. _Did nostalgia translate into dreaming of your ex-lover's kisses and touches, night after night? Did it mean thinking about him when you were with your current lover? Did it mean having all-consuming thoughts of an immortal life with him, as a different being to the one you were now? I didn't know, but I was pretty sure that simple word didn't cover all those things. _Obsession_ might be a more appropriate word. _Compulsion. Preoccupation. Enthralment. Delirium_, even. I was beginning to think that perhaps it had been madness that had driven me to give into Edward that night. It at least absolved me of some of my responsibility.

I snapped out of my thoughts and realised that Seth was staring at me, waiting for a response. "I know he loves me. And I love him too, so, so much more than he knows. I just can't help these thoughts I keep having."

"Just try and block them out," Seth advised calmly, seemingly unfazed by what I was telling him. I'd definitely picked the right confidante, but then, there was only so much I could tell him. I longed to confess to him what I'd done, to alleviate some of the pressure that crushed my chest whenever I thought of my indiscretion. _No. _I couldn't do that. I had to remain alone in my guilt, for it was my burden to bear. It wasn't fair to tell Seth, considering the position it would put him in. It wasn't fair to tell anyone, really. I'd have to try and block everything out, even if it killed me.

"I know it must have hit you really hard when he left again. I think Jake was kinda surprised you wanted to start dating him so soon after. But it's not as if Edward's coming back, so I'm sure it will fade in time," Seth added, his eyes apologetic for his last statement.

"No," I agreed in a small voice, though a slight blush rose to my cheeks. He didn't comment on it, thankfully. _If only he knew._

"Now, we don't have to talk about it any more if you don't want to," Seth said, and grinned at me, diffusing some of the tension. "Awkwardness over."

I nodded and smiled weakly at him. Seth's advice was good enough, if the situation had been as simple as just thinking about Edward. But the fact that I'd known heaven in his arms meant that thoughts and memories of him were burned into my brain, as if with indelible ink. I had to find a way to cancel them out.

"I think maybe I'll go and talk to him today," I told Seth, and as soon as I said it, I knew it was the right thing to do. I could try and somehow make things right with Jake, for I so wanted to be what he wanted - a girl who had eyes only for him. Also, selfishly, I wanted him to comfort me. To make me forget what I bad person I was. "Maybe now, actually." I got to my feet.

"Great!" Seth's face brightened at this, and he leapt up to follow me back up the beach. "By the way, I'm sorry about my sister. She's a lot better these days, y'know, but I think she's kinda angry at you for upsetting Jake." I cringed a little, but he shook his head, laughing. "It's just Leah, don't worry about it. She'll get over herself one day." He rolled his eyes.

We walked in silence for a while, and I felt slightly cheered. It was impossible to spend time around Seth Clearwater and not have any of his never-ending optimism rub off on you. I headed up the road towards the red house where he would be. Seth followed me part of the way, before turning off to go back towards his own house. He gave me a hot hug and said: "Don't worry, Bella. It'll all work out okay. Just go talk to him."

A few minutes later, I was standing in front of the door. I was pretty sure Jake knew I was outside, but he was waiting for me to announce my presence. _Bella, you chicken! Just go in already!_ I rapped on the door, and a second later it was pulled open by a familiar hand, that led to a heavily muscled arm.

"Bella," Jake said, his voice sounding more deep and gravelly than ever. It was then that I noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed. _Had he been crying? He never cries - oh God, what have I done?_ "What is it?" were the next words out of his mouth, harshly.

"I just – wanted to see you," I said nervously, concentrating really hard on the woven doormat at my feet. He stepped forward and raised my chin up so I was looking at him. I shivered pleasantly at his warm touch, for it was cold outside. I thought he was going to kiss me and started to move my face towards his, but he dropped my chin and gestured for me to enter.

"Come in, then," he said. Billy didn't seem to be around, and for that I was glad. I didn't really need Bill's scrutiny for this. Jake seemed to read my mind.

"Billy's hanging out with Sue." _Wow. So he must have been there at the Clearwater's when I called for Seth. Good thing he didn't see me. _For a moment, Jake was silent, just looking at me, his soft brown eyes piercing me. I remembered when he could melt me with those eyes. One look and I'd want to get him into bed as fast as I could. I sighed. Were things really so different now?

"I'm sorry, for what it's worth," I said, the words coming out as incoherent garble. He understood, though.

"I know. I'm just used to you being mine," he hissed through his teeth. "I don't like _sharing_. Even when it's only you thinking about another guy."I could feel my heart thudding faster, and willed myself not to think about the other night, but it was surprisingly easy. My focus was on Jake right now. I needed comfort, and so did he.

In one long stride, he crossed the room and hugged me tightly, wrapping me in his arms. I sighed at how good it felt against my cold clothes and skin. I knew exactly what was going to happen when he held me even tighter, and drew back. Jake's lips pressed to mine, gently. Warmth flickered in my stomach, and suddenly I surged forward and I was kissing him, not gently, but hard. He groaned and matched the force of my kiss as our tongues danced.

Seconds later, we broke apart, both gasping with need. _Oh God. _I wanted Jacob so badly right now. It would serve me right if he didn't want me too, but I desperately wanted him to want me. His dark eyes flashed with passion, and he whispered in my ear, nipping my neck with his teeth as he did so: "Don't forget you're mine, Bella. You're mine and no one can ever change that. Not even _him_."

I was shocked that Jake had mentioned Edward, but I was able to, for once, avoid thinking about him. I kept my mind in the here and now. Jacob Black, my boyfriend was here, and I wanted him. Seconds later, Jake scooped me up in his arms, but did not take me to his bedroom as I'd assumed. Instead he took me to the kitchen and set me upon the counter. He roughly pushed me against the cabinets, and I didn't protest when his hot, eager lips found mine once again. I could feel a familiar wetness starting to dampen my panties as we kissed so hard I was sure it would bruise my lips. I was thankful that Jake was shirtless, as he often was, so I could run my hands all over his searingly hot, perfectly muscled chest.

"Are you going to _forget_ him right now, Bella?" Jake growled, his voice serious and husky as his hands grabbed my ass tightly, pulling him to me. I automatically spread my legs and wrapped them around him, trying to pull him closer to me where I sat. I couldn't think right now, not of Edward, not of anything. The ache between my legs, the need for Jake cancelled everything out.

"Y-yes," I said, as Jake deftly unbuttoned my shirt and yanked it off my shoulders. His brow creased.

"What's that, Bella?" he asked curiously, and touched the fading mark on my neck. My heart stopped. _Oh no, does he know, does he know?_

"Guess I must have scratched my neck or something," I heard myself lie, trying to remain composed so my face would not betray me. Thankfully, Jake had already lost interest. He pulled one of my bra cups to the side and moved to pay homage to my nipple with his tongue. The warmth of his licks sent my heart thumping, and more moisture pooled in my panties. I moved my small hands down to his waistband, trailing my fingers along it. He gasped, but did not stop his assault on my breasts, now moving to the other one to flick his tongue over it. In an uncharacteristically bold gesture for me, I grasped the rock hard bulge I could feel in his pants. _I want to feel that inside me. NOW, _I thought desperately, and began to unbutton and unzip his pants.

Jake lifted his head up for a moment. His hands came round my back and my bra was unclipped and thrown to the floor with speed. "The benefits of being a werewolf," he murmured, and continued what I'd started by tugging his pants and boxers down to his ankles, not even bothering to remove them.

I was gasping so loud now it was almost embarrassing but I didn't care. It wasn't even desire so much. It was need. I needed Jake more than I'd ever needed him before. My body was begging for release, and he was going to give it to me. I pulled him to me, my hands twisting in his hair as I tasted his warm, delicious lips again and again. He grabbed my legs that had fallen back against the counter and hitched them up against his hips.

"Now this won't do, honey," he whispered throatily in my ear. "You're wearing far too many clothes." I remembered I still had a knee length skirt on from being at work. It was black, and pretty frumpy looking. I sort of wished Jake hadn't seen me in it, but he didn't seem to care. He pushed the skirt up above my waist, not even bothering to undo it, and clutched a handful of fabric on my panties. In a second they were torn from my body. I tried not to think of someone else who had such strength.

"You're gorgeous, Bella," Jake said, his eyes popping out at the sight of my naked body in full, never mind that he'd seen it so many times before. I took the opportunity to run my eyes over his body also. It was beautiful, his russet skin, the hard muscles on his chest that led to his belly and lower, to a trail of dark hair. I stared at his erection, proudly displayed before me, and my mouth fell open. He was _so_ hard. I didn't think I'd ever seen him this hard before. I reached down and wrapped my fingers around his length. He groaned as I began a steady rhythm with my wrist, but he stopped me after only a couple of minutes.

I looked up at him, confused, but he only smiled. "Er, that's actually a bit too much for me right now. I don't want to get too excited." I laughed in understanding and didn't object when he turned his attentions to me. Jake brought his mouth back to me in a fierce kiss, drinking me in as his hands roamed my body. He dragged his callused fingers down my body, starting from my neck, down to my breasts, my belly, and then, lower...it felt incredible, his roughness on my soft skin. I tingled as I waited for him to reach the spot where I wanted him the most. His hot fingers lightly stroked over my clit, and I whimpered slightly. I tried not to think of the cold tongue that had been in the same spot as Jake's fingers as I leaned into his touch.

"You like that, hmmm?" he said, and I could only nod. I leaned my head back against the cabinet, moaning as Jake pressed the pad of his thumb against me and began to trace circles around my clit. He sped up the circles, and I felt my pleasure building. I was tightening into knots, and I knew I would come undone soon, but I wanted him in me when it happened.

"Stop!" I cried out, thought it took all my strength. Jake paused his fingers, looking puzzled before he realised. "Make me forget my own name. _Fuck me_," I said, my voice a husky whisper that I didn't recognise. Briefly, I recalled how I had once said the first sentence to Edward, in the tent after I'd kissed Jake. And he hadn't given in. _Shut up, Bella, concentrate on the moment!_ And so I did. Jake growled at my request, unused to hearing such profanities from me, but it seemed to excite him. He lifted me so I was balanced carefully on the counter, and spread my knees apart so each foot rested on the worktop.

I looked into his warm, brown eyes for just a second, and knew that we were giving each other the comfort we needed. Nothing else mattered but this. He guided himself towards me and swiftly impaled himself in my wet heat. I threw my head back and moaned at the feeling of Jake filling me so completely. He felt so warm inside me, so good. _But not cold...Bella, enough!_ Once again I thought no more, and gave myself to Jake.

"Ohhh, Bella," he cried. "You're so wet - and tight. And _mine._" That last word came out as a growl, and he began to thrust into me. Jake was normally a gentle lover, but he certainly wasn't being gentle with me now. He was gripping my hips so tightly it almost hurt.

"Never, _never_ forget you're mine, Bella," he said, pulling me towards him more as he thrust upward into me, hitting my g-spot. It felt intensely pleasurable, but now I noticed a strange edge to it that I hadn't before. Jake was jealous as hell, and it was jealousy that was driving his need. But I didn't care, as this was far more raw and passionate than any sex we'd ever had before. It was just what I needed, to make me forget the awful person I was, the terrible thing that I'd done.

Jake's hands were in my hair, on my face, my back, everywhere as he pulled me closer and closer to him. I wasn't objecting as I tipped my hips to meet each thrust. I wrapped my legs around his back, and after a moment he grabbed my legs and held them up, draping them over his arms. This angle was even deeper, and it felt amazing as he pounded into me, increasing his speed. I could feel the fabric of my skirt rubbing against us where he'd pushed it up above my waist. He dropped my legs back to the counter and reached down between our bodies, finding my clit. He rolled my nub between his fingers, alternating between that and rubbing his fingers over it, building the intensity all the time.

Tucking my ankles around him, I willed him to fuck me harder, faster. More. _More._ Jake responded by pushing himself into me and gently biting my neck. I cried out: it actually hurt but the pain felt good. I chanced a look into his eyes and saw he was as far gone as I. His eyes were pools of fire, aflame with their desire for me, and their jealousy towards another man. Towards _Edward_. I was barrelling toward my release, and knew neither of us could last much longer.. Every muscle in my body was tense, pulling all the tension in my body to a secret spot inside of me. There was s tightly coiled spring within me, ready to uncoil any second. Jake's breath was hot in my ear as his thrusts became more and more urgent as his fingers quickened their movement over my clit. The spring was uncoiling, I could feel it...

"Come for me. Scream my name!" he growled, and a few seconds later I burst. The spring snapped open and I threw my head back. I cried out Jake's name over and over as I came like a train, my eyes closing involuntarily. As my orgasm washed over me, a face swam into view beneath my closed lids. It was pale, and so exquisite it almost pained me to look at it - that same face that had triggered such intense pleasure in me not long ago. The sight of Edward's face intensified my release, and as guilty as I felt, I couldn't stop it. I felt my inner walls squeezing Jake so tightly as my nails dug into his back, trying to hold on.

A few moments later, he gave a few final thrusts and an animalistic groan as he spilled his hot seed inside me. I went limp then, collapsing against Jake's chest as my eyes opened once more. _He was gone. _I couldn't see his face any more, even when I experimentally squeezed my eyes shut again to try. Jake's breaths and mine were still coming heavily as we leaned against each other, resting for a moment. He slowly withdrew and lifted me off the counter. I could feel his essence running down my leg, hot and thick. I quickly ran to the bathroom to clean myself up, and afterwards, took a moment to compose myself. I pulled my skirt back down and stared into the mirror. My face was flushed, my lips bruised from Jake's kisses. I splashed my face with water, trying to calm myself down.

I thought I was dealing with it well. Okay, so what Jake and I did just then was probably nothing more than a comfort-fuck, but I liked to think the fact that we needed each other that much was loving. _But was that love? _I didn't know, but I knew I'd been pretty damn close to crying when my orgasm subsided. That definitely would have sent alarm bells ringing with Jake, so I was glad I'd been able to hold it together. Throughout the sex I'd been so sure that things were getting better, as I was barely paying attention to Edward in my thoughts.

I'd been completely caught off guard when I suddenly began to picture his face as I orgasmed. It had felt so wrong, convulsing from one man's touch while thinking about the face of another. I couldn't deny, however, how amazing it had felt. The thought of Edward's face had taken me to heights I'd only know when making love with him. In that instant I knew that I may as well give up. I was in love with Edward Cullen, as unconditionally and irrevocably as I'd told myself once. And my love for Jake didn't even match the love I had for Edward. It wasn't the same, not by a long shot.

"_But if I were to guess, I'd say you've never really stopped loving me all this time you've been with Jacob." _

I very nearly dissolved into sobs as I recalled Edward's words. How could I trust the man who'd broken me not once, but twice, even if I'd never stopped loving him? I'd tried to keep this going with Jake, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it if this kept happening. I couldn't breathe at the thought of hurting Jake, and my arms automatically drew up to hug my chest, the way I always used to do to stop myself breaking into pieces. I wanted answers from Edward Cullen, the man who'd stormed back into my life and turned it upside down. There was a man in the next room who I'd already hurt so much, and might be about to hurt even more. I cared about Jacob so much, I really did, but I couldn't have my cake and eat it, be with Jake while knowing that Edward was out there waiting for me.

My shoulders sagged as I realised I had a choice to make. Fire or ice? I was reminded of that Robert Frost poem we'd studied in school once. _Some say the world will end in fire, some in ice._ Who would my world end in? Edward Cullen or Jacob Black? All I knew was that I couldn't carry on like this. I was going to have to talk to Edward, sooner or later, and straighten this all out. The maybe his marble features wouldn't haunt my dreams as much. Taking a deep breath, I unlocked the bathroom door. Jake had pulled his pants back up and was standing in the kitchen, leaning back against the worktop with his arms folded. I couldn't fathom his expression. He didn't speak as I found my bra and shirt and clumsily put them back on.

"Bella," he said, his voice calm, but with something simmering under the surface.

"That was pretty good," I said, mustering up a smile. "Although maybe we shouldn't have done it on Billy's counter."

"He won't know," Jake said dryly, and took a step closer to me. "I know it was good, babe. I just wasn't sure if you were there in the moment the whole time. When you came you closed your eyes. You never usually do that with me, you like to see me let go for you."

I cringed. Why the hell was Jacob always so damn probing with his questions? He knew me too well: that was the problem. He knew exactly what I was like.

"Or is it because you were thinking about _him_?" His strong hands suddenly held mine to my side, as he searched my face for my reaction. I had nothing. I just looked at him, allowing the crimson blush to coat my cheeks and betray me. Jake saw that, and his arms gripped me tighter.

"Ow, you're hurting me!" I cried, trying to push him away. But he held me fast, not allowing me to get away. I saw pure fury in his eyes, something I'd never expected to see in the warm, chocolate eyes of Jacob Black. I was actually truly frightened of him, for the first time. His shoulders were beginning to shake, and I felt a horrible sense of déjà vu. I realised what was happening. I'd made him too angry, and if he didn't calm down and let me go, he would phase into a wolf. I doubt I'd survive, being this close. After a moment he seemed to come to his senses and released me, pushing me away from him as he closed his eyes and let the trembling of his shape subside.

"I'm sorry," he said, passing a hand over his eyes. "I shouldn't have done that. Thank God I managed to control myself. It would have been far worse than Sam and Emily. I would have _killed _you." His voice was barely a whisper by the end, and he dissolved into great, heaving sobs, his face falling into his hands.

"J – Jake," I said, my voice breaking as I spoke his name. I stepped forward, wanting to comfort him, to take his pain away somehow.

"Stay away from me, Bella!" he hissed, his voice harsher than I'd ever heard it before. "Just get out of here. Call me when you're over the bloodsucker."

"Jake - " I started to say, but he cut me off.

"Don't feel bad. It's my fault for fucking loving you!" He kicked the table, leaving a serious dent in the wood. I wondered how he'd explain that one to Billy. As for me, I'd felt as if he'd kicked me too. In tears, I ran from the house and all the way back up the hill to where my truck waited by the Clearwaters'. _Bella, you're a piece of work_, I thought, disgusted with myself. I thought of Jacob, my boyfriend, in tears because of how I'd acted. I definitely had to talk to Edward as soon as I could, to face up to the responsibilities of what I'd done. But how would I find him?

* * *

**The same day, Edward's POV**

It had only been a couple of weeks but after my conversation with Emmett I told myself I had to come and check on her from afar, to see how she was. None of my family had tried to stop me, even though I could hear through their thoughts how futile they thought it was. I'd driven all the way, so it had taken me a while, but it had helped me clear my head. I hoped she wasn't feeling too guilty. I went to her home first, hoping to see her there, but there was no sign of her. I followed her scent to the restaurant in town.

I wrinkled my nose. _Ugh, human food_. I hated the smell of it. It didn't even deserve to be compared to Bella's rich, intoxicating scent. I inhaled and my throat burned as always, but I ignored it, as was customary for me. I followed her potent scent along the road, and I realised I was nearing the La Push reservation. Knives pierced my heart. _She'd gone to see him._ I knew that I should turn back, that it was not my business, but my legs were carrying me forward and I was streaking through the woods, a blur to any human eyes - not that there were any humans around. I reached the sparse trees at the edge of the woods, just behind the red house where I knew the Blacks lived.

I listened for Bella, for her lovely voice that I was so attuned to, and suddenly I heard her. It sounded as if someone was hurting her. She wasn't speaking, she was crying out. My muscles tensed, and I took a step forward. I was ready to kill whoever might be hurting Bella. I'd promised myself when I came to check on her, I wouldn't show myself, but that went out the window right now. Suddenly I realised what it really was, with a sink of my stomach, when I heard deep, unmistakeably male groans matching the sounds she made. Bella's cries were of pleasure, not pain. _Oh God. Jacob was there, and he was – ugh, defiling her._

And here I was, lurking in the forest behind the house, listening to the girl I loved getting thoroughly fucked by another man. I amazed even myself sometimes at what a masochist I was. It would almost be funny if it weren't so utterly tragic. Her moans were wanton, desperate, and my acute hearing could even pick up the wet, slapping sound their bodies made as they met again and again. I couldn't help remembering the sounds she made that night with me. _The most wonderful sound I'd ever heard, Bella moaning as I plunged into her warm, willing flesh..._I was starting to get turned on by that thought, but then I tuned back into the sounds coming from the house. _Nope. Completely limp. That'll certainly kill it._

I couldn't listen any more. I turned on my heel and ran deep into the woods, further and further away from the girl I loved. She was happy with him, and he obviously made her feel intense pleasure. I'd seen enough. She didn't want me, despite the things I'd allowed myself to think in the past couple of weeks. _No. No. NO!!!_ I let my predatory vampire instincts take over and sought the only thing that had a chance of making me feel better. I shifted into a hunting crouch, and sniffed the air, searching for a familiar scent.

I found a herd of deer up ahead and let the scent carry me forward. I took one animal down in seconds, sinking my teeth into its neck as if it were butter. The blood was hot and wet, the flavour not entirely satisfying but it somewhat eased the sickness in my stomach. I drained two more in the next five minutes, literally gorging myself on blood. I felt full as I threw the carcass of the last deer down, but so empty at the same time. Since I was most likely never going to have her again, I let a selfish fantasy I'd never previously allowed myself to indulge in wash over me...

_Bella by my side, with pale skin and crimson eyes. As beautiful as she always was, but stronger and less breakable. My equal finally, as she had once longed to be. Although I would never be the equal of her love. She turned to me, and her voice rang and shimmered like a bell: "I love you."_

"_As I love you," I replied. I touched her face and she was all new, but still the same Bella. My throat no longer burned, nor did I feel the familiar flow of venom in my mouth. Selfishly, I was glad that I had made her like this. Like me. She would be with me for all eternity, this way, and I would never have to lose her. She stretched her arms round my neck to kiss me..._

I leant against a tree, gasping as the force of the fantasy hit me. I was pouring salt on my gaping wounds, but it was worth it just to imagine what it would be like to have _her _by my side. Even though Bella would never be mine, for she had him. Why would she take me back when she had Jacob Black, who'd never let her down like I had? I had no need to breathe, but right then I was gasping for air like a dying man. A strangled sound tore from my chest, and I dissolved into futile, tearless sobs. My hands gripped the roots of the tree, and I felt them crack. I stared at my pale hands, instruments of inhuman strength, and was repulsed by myself. I could not even make love to Bella without bruising her, wanting to kill her and drain the blood from her body! How could I have ever thought I could have her? _Fight for her, Emmett? How exactly am I supposed to do that? She doesn't even fucking LOVE ME!_

"NO!" I roared in heart-wrenching agony, fisting my hands in the earth, making deep imprints in the soil. My voice was barely my own. Sobs wrenched themselves from deep inside me, but they brought no relief, as I could not cry.

_This is what I am._

I wished I could go back to how I was before Bella had come into my life – bored, lonely, depressed, but still, not altogether knowing what I missed from my life.

I felt the shrill ring of my phone as it began to vibrate in my pocket - and I knew it would be Alice, who'd seen this in her head, but I ignored it as I knelt on the forest floor, heaving with sobs, overcome with the raw pain that twisted in my heart whenever I thought of Bella with him.

_This is what I am._ _Be strong, Edward. You don't want this life for her, and she doesn't want it either._

My strength failed, however, as I cried my heart out, incoherent sounds bubbling up from deep beneath my skin. I had no idea how long I lay there. It could have been days, weeks even, although as I looked up at the sky I surmised it was a couple of hours later – twilight. The safest time of the day for me, as I'd once told Bella. A time for the fell creature I was to creep about undetected, without the menace of the sun to mar my path.

I briefly considered going to Bella's home to see if she was back yet, but that was out of the question. I didn't need to see her exuding happiness after her tryst with Jacob. _What to do?_ I didn't really want to go back to my family. I headed to where I'd left my car on the outskirts of Forks, and had reached Port Angeles before I even realised where I'd gone. I walked into the foyer of the _Olympic Lodge_, which was what passed for a fancy hotel in Port Angeles.

"Good evening" I said smoothly. The concierge's eyes popped out, and as usual I was treated to a barrage of lewd thoughts. _Oh my, that might just be the best-looking man I've ever seen. But wait, he looks familiar. Isn't his dad a doctor? Too young anyway, I think he's in high school. Probably legal though, he looks like a senior. Well, I'm only thirty-two, so maybe he'd want to...too young, too young, too young! _I suppose she was pretty enough, blonde hair and blue eyes, but she paled in comparison to Bella.

I raised my eyebrows slightly and she blushed, naturally, not knowing that I had seen everything that she'd just thought.

"Your executive suite, please, if it's available?" I asked, leaning forward slightly to smile at her. God, I hated doing this charming act, but it was far too easy to dazzle human women, and it usually helped me get what I wanted.

"C-certainly, sir," she said, stuttering slightly as she tapped keys on the computer. "Good choice. There's a living room, two king-size beds, a 42" TV and floor-to-ceiling windows for fantastic views of the Olympic Mountains and our golf course." I almost laughed out loud at that, me playing _golf._ "How long would you like to reserve for?"

"A week, I think," I said. "I may extend my stay."

"Very good, sir. Quite a large room for a single man, isn't it?"

I flashed a wide grin at her. "I guess I'm just ostentatious._" _I could feel her pulse quicken and she was frozen for a moment, staring into my face. _Whoa, Edward, tone it down. You don't want to make the poor girl faint._

"Your name?" she asked when she'd composed herself.

"Edward Masen," I told her, and it was not really a lie as that was my given Christian name. I could tell she was a little confused that I had no luggage with me, but I handed over my gold American Express card for her to swipe and she asked no questions after that. The unfortunate truth was that money talked, and it was good that my family had a lot of it, as our wealth could often avoid awkward questions about whom we really were. _Wow, he's gorgeous and RICH. Sigh...too young! _I gritted my teeth and tried to tune out her thoughts as she continued booking the room on her computer.

She handed me a key card. "It's room 123 – Executive Suite. Just head up in the elevator, and don't hesitate to call any time you need anything. Oh, don't forget - we're serving complimentary milk and cookies at 8pm." I hastily turned my laugh into a hacking cough when she gave me a strange look. A couple of minutes later, I unlocked the door of the room. _What the hell had I just done?_ Did I think staying in the most expensive hotel in Port Angeles was going to help? I knew I really wanted to be around so I could look in on Bella, however fruitless it might be. My phone began to ring again and I sighed, knowing whom it would be before I even looked at the caller ID and saw 'Alice'. I flipped the phone open, resigned to this.

"Yes?"

"Edward!" Alice squealed in excitement, her voice at an even more annoying volume than usual. I winced. I thought she'd just about burst my eardrum.

"What is it?"

"Look, I know you're deep in your emo, I-don't-want-to-see-anyone thing, but then I saw where you checked into. I've _always_ wanted to go to the Olympic Lodge – the views are supposed to be gorgeous. And you booked the suite, so there'll be plenty of room for me. I could bring Jazz too."

"Alice, NO," I said, trying to sound as severe as possible. "I want to be on my own."

"Pleeeeeeeese?" she asked, her voice plaintive. I could almost see her pouting on the other end of the line.

"Are you going to just keep annoying me until I say you can come and stay?" I asked, knowing how relentless my small sister could be.

"Yep," she said brightly. "And I could talk to Bella." I was silent on the other end of the phone. I knew she'd say this. I didn't know if I wanted her to make contact with Bella: it might upset her even more. But I suppose I could let her come and stay for a while, as I decided if that was what I wanted. Alice was often my confidante, and it might do me some good to have some company.

"Fine, stay," I heard myself say. "But just you. I don't want Jasper trying to alter my moods."

"Okay," she agreed. "I'll get a flight and be there in a few hours." I could almost feel the excitement effervescing off of her, and felt a cold sense of dread. _What have I done, letting Alice come here?_ It might help me though, her being here.

"Bye," I said, and she hung up. I inwardly groaned. Alice knew Bella the best apart from me, so maybe her presence would bring me some comfort. Or maybe it would be the opposite – I didn't know. All I knew was that I wanted to feel relief from thoughts of Bella, and especially thoughts of her with him. I sat on the sofa and turned on ESPN, where I tried to absorb myself in a baseball game. It was the Seattle Mariners versus the Chicago White Sox. Rather ironic, given that I'd supported the latter team in my human years. I watched the ball fly across the screen, watched the players run and catch, but then the screen changed. And it was her face I saw. I clenched my fist and heard a snapping sound, realising I'd just broken the remote in half.

_This is what I am._

I stayed like that for the next few hours, idly channel surfing but not really watching, for my thoughts dwelt only on Bella Swan.

* * *

**I know, that was a ridiculously long chapter, sorry, but I hope it was worth it – please leave a REVIEW and tell me what your favourite bit was. I added more from Edward's POV as people seemed to like that, let me know how it worked. Next chapter Alice arrives, and things are set in motion...**

**PLEASE REVIEW? PRETTY PLEASE WITH RPATTZ UNDER MY XMAS TREE WEARING ONLY A BOW? You know what I'm talking about, ladies ;) (and any gay or straight men out there as well, for that matter!)**


	7. Epiphany

**Thankyou for all your amazing reviews, it makes me feel like SQUEEE whenever I get a new review alert. Keep it up guys! :D**

*** Thanks and kisses for JessiesMama and SunKingFF for being my super betas. ***

**Edward discusses his situation with Alice, while Bella is surprised by an old friend who may know her better than she knows herself. Charlie, concerned by her behaviour of recent weeks, questions Bella. She ultimately has to choose...but is it still her choice to make?**

**Playlist:**

**Candleburn – Dishwalla**

**Wicked Game – Chris Isaak**

**Thinking Of You – Katy Perry**

**Let Go – Frou Frou**

**Grey Room – Damien Rice**

**I Hate Everything About You – Three Days Grace**

**Nature's Law - Embrace**

**Chapter 8: Epiphany**

_My love is like to ice, and I to fire:  
How come it then that this his cold is so great  
Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,  
But harder grows the more I him entreat?  
Or how comes it that my exceeding heat  
Is not allayed by his heart-frozen cold,  
But that I burn much more in boiling sweat,  
And feel my flames augmented manifold?  
What more miraculous thing may be told,  
That fire, which is congealed with senseless cold,  
Should kindle fire by wonderful device?  
Such is the power of love in gentle mind,  
That it can alter all the course of kind._

_**My Love Is Like To Ice - Edmund Spenser**_

_Comparisons are easily done_

_Once you've had a taste of perfection_

_Like an apple hanging from a tree_

_I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed..._

_...You said move on, where do I go?_

_I guess second best is all I will know..._

_'Cause when I'm with him_

_I am thinking of you, thinking of you_

_What you would do if you were the one_

_Who was spending the night?_

_Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes_

_**Thinking of You – Katy Perry**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

**Edward's POV, the day after**

I sighed and continued pacing up and down the room, as I had been doing for the past few minutes. Alice sat motionless on the sofa with an apparently vacant expression on her face but I knew her to be deep in concentration, trying to access a vision of Bella. Bella's involvement with the wolves clouded the visions, and I knew Alice needed time to access the wolf-free ones she could see. I was itching to know what she saw but I knew better than to interrupt her. She would be annoyed and, at any rate, it would only delay her in her quest. At least she was doing something useful now. I loved my sister dearly, but she could be very trying. She'd arrived a few hours ago, and proved herself to be as thoroughly annoying as she usually was. She'd insisted I get dressed up in black-tie and attend the hotel's cocktail hour with her.

"_Edward, c'mon! It'll look weird if we don't attend the social events like the other guests, we don't want too many questions. And I could wear my new dress."_

I knew that her real motivation for insisting on this was as a distraction for me from my melancholy, and so I'd let her drag me without complaint. Not that we were drinking the cocktails, naturally, but sleight of hand saw to it that nobody noticed. Alice's green dress of tight satin with a slit up the side had caused some of the older gentleman present to have terribly inappropriate thoughts about a girl they assumed was still in high school, which amused me greatly. I certainly didn't escape interest myself. The women fawned over me excessively, and I was glad when Alice granted that we could escape to the safety of our suite once again, freeing me from the dull small talk and the barrage of hormonal female thoughts to which I was constantly being subjected. Most of them obviously thought I was some rich playboy having an illicit union with some equally high-society girl, without the knowledge of my parents. I almost wished Alice had invited Jasper to dispel that particular rumour, although I hardly wanted further interference from members of my family.

"Edward," she said quietly, breaking into my musings. I flexed my fingers, steeling myself for what she was about to say.

"It took a little longer than usual to see her because, as you know, there are gaps in my visions if she's with werewolves." The light was dim, but I was sure she could see the way my eyes tightened when she said that last word. She went on.

"She seems upset. She's decided that she wants to get in contact with you, but she has no idea how to find you. I can't see any more than that, her decisions keep changing. Her future's very murky, so I'm unable to get a clear sense of it at the minute." She smiled sympathetically, but remained silent as she waited for me to take in all that she had said.

_Bella was upset? What?_ That didn't tally too well with the events I'd observed only yesterday afternoon. I immediately felt a yearning to be with her, to hold in her in my arms and somehow take her pain away. Although, maybe not, since I was likely to be the cause of that pain seeing as I hadn't left her any way to feasibly contact me. Perhaps that was vanity, to assume that I still had such power over her emotions, but I couldn't help but think it. I wondered why she would want to get in touch with me. She'd seemed adamant when I left her room that she wanted to put the experience behind her and carry on her relationship with Jacob. I couldn't help remembering what she'd said:

"_Do you love him, Bella?" I asked, searching her eyes for a response, but finding none._

"_I love him-enough," she'd said in a resolved tone, but I couldn't help noticing how her voice quavered on the last word, as if it was unsure of the words it spoke. _

I was poking white-hot needles into every inch of my body each moment that I allowed myself to entertain these thoughts, but I couldn't help it. At least if she wanted to contact me, there was the hope of being able to see Bella Swan again.I let that notion sing through my whole body, almost feeling that my heart could beat again, despite the scientific fact that it would not. To see her and view her soft face - her cheeks that would redden with a captivating blush, her smooth, pink lips, the dark tendrils of her hair, her luscious, floral scent that delighted me even as it burned my throat -now that was worth the gut-wrenching anguish it would cause me for the next few centuries or, conceivably, forever. If I could just see Bella, and have her know I was there, then that would have to be enough. Even if she was to tell me that she belonged to another man and I could not have her.

_But __I want her._

"Would you like me to go and talk to her?" Alice enquired nonchalantly, but she couldn't hide her excitement. Her entire face lit up at the thought of seeing her best friend again.

"I think _you'd _like to go and talk to her, Alice," I said with a smirk. "Alright. Tell her I'd like to see her. Your obligations end there, and you're then free to indulge in girlish gossip as you wish." I grinned at her, though the motion of smiling felt unfamiliar and strange. I could tell that if I was human, my palms would have been sweating profusely at the thought that I might get to speak with Bella soon, but I would have to wait. _Stop it_! a voice within me said petulantly. _You'll know soon enough, so stop dwelling on it._ However, I knew I would. I sighed in frustration that it was only midnight, and we would have to wait until morning for Alice to make her visit. _An entire night with nothing to do..Great._

I hadn't counted on Alice. Her efforts to cheer me up knew no bounds, and she wasted no time in challenging me to beat her at the assortment of games on our in-room Wii and Xbox 360. Games were child's play for us with our vampire reactions, but they were still fun and diverting, and I often enjoyed them with my brothers at home. I was touched that Alice cared so much about me that she'd play video games, which she as a rule disliked. I'd been a complete misery around my family lately, but at least she understood me enough to not blame me for it. Halfway through a frenzied session of Halo 3, I realised that I'd managed to not think about Bella for an entire minute. That was progress. If I could just make it till morning, then I could manage the long, torturous wait while Alice was with Bella. I noticed the game screen had paused, rendering my rhythmic tapping on the controller ineffectual.

"Hey," Alice said, her voice softer than normal. "You know, I didn't tell anyone what I saw." I saw in her thoughts she was referring to my voyeurism, and subsequent breakdown in the woods afterwards, so didn't feel a need to say anything. I reached across and squeezed her hand, letting her know I appreciated this. The game continued on as normal. _Just a few more hours._

_

* * *

  
_

**Bella's POV, the next morning**

I pulled the truck into the driveway and stomped on the brake to halt it. That hour-long college lecture on _Madame Bovary _had really drained me. Flaubert was a great writer, but analysing a text about a woman who had endless affairs to escape the confines of her life had hit a little too close to home for me, and I'd found it pretty difficult to concentrate. _What to do now?_ I thought as I tramped up the path and headed through the front door into the kitchen. I had a fair bit of homework to do, but didn't really feel like doing it. Predictably, I'd spent most of last night in tears, with a brief hiatus when I'd had to keep it together put dinner on the table for Charlie and I. I knew he'd noticed something was up, but he'd decided not to say anything, probably fearing I'd burst into tears or something. I doubted I'd get away with my dark mood for much longer though, and he was bound to want to have a "talk" with me soon enough. Maybe even tonight. I decided I'd make something nice for dinner to make up for my morose state of recent weeks, and checked the cupboards and refrigerator to see that I had all the ingredients for lasagne - Charlie's favourite.

Upstairs in my room a few minutes later, I organised my books into neat piles as I mulled over the decision I'd made yesterday. I knew that I'd have to contact him, but I didn't know how. My stomach swirled with nausea as I remembered Jake's angry outburst, where he'd nearly phased and killed me. The sex preceding that unfortunate incident had been fantastic, but I couldn't help feeling like I was betraying the experience that Edward and I had shared - even though that was the adulterous one. I knew I pretty much deserved what had nearly happened to me the day before, as I sat and cried, wracked with indecision while I probably was causing two men intense pain over me. _Just like Cathy. _I shivered at that thought: however, it wasn't the first time I'd compared myself with that weak character from _Wuthering Heights. _I couldn't speak for Edward, but if what I'd seen in his eyes was true, he'd suffered terribly these past two years, and was probably continuing to do brought me no pleasure, despite what he'd done to me. I was so immersed in my own thoughts that I failed to hear the soft tread of footsteps towards me. I felt a cold hand touch my shoulder.

"Agh!" I shrieked in surprise, dropping the book I was holding. It was placed back in my hand before I even registered that it had fallen. I looked up and found myself staring into the eyes of Alice Cullen. Shock gave way to surprise, which gave way to joy when I took in that she was really here. I leapt up and threw my arms around her, and she squeezed back enthusiastically. I winced automatically - her body was so hard. "Alice, oh you're here, I can't believe you're here!" I was so pleased to see my estranged girlfriend that I was practically babbling.

She took a deep breath and steeled herself as she allowed my human scent to hit her, but thankfully she seemed okay with it. "Hi, Bella," she said, flashing her dazzlingly white smile. "Lucky I hunted first thing this morning," she added wryly, reminding me of the time when she'd previously come to visit me, the visit which had ended in the horror of the Volturi. Poor Alice had been very thirsty that time when I'd thrown my arms around her, unprepared for such close contact with a human. I was glad that it was easier for her this time.

"I missed you so much," I said, and as I spoke, I felt how true that was. I'd missed all the Cullens so much, and felt a sudden longing to see the rest of them too. Alice gestured for me to sit down, and she joined me on the edge of the bed, swinging her legs.

"I missed you too. I've wanted to see you before, but he wouldn't let me. He said it would confuse you, and that he wanted you to be happy." I knew whom Alice spoke of, and I suddenly realised that if she was here, it was because he had given her permission to be. I fell silent for a moment, but then found my voice to ask her about the rest of her family. This conversation seemed so familiar, right down to my reticence to ask about Edward. I learned Esme was redecorating the house in Ithaca, and Jasper was doing a master's in Philosophy. Carlisle was working nights at the hospital and teaching part-time at Cornell, just as before. Rosalie was studying mechanical engineering, which surprised me, but then again, I knew only too well that there was much more than vanity to her personality. Emmett was planning a trip to Africa, although he was finding it tricky to get around the fact that it would be very sunny there. It cheered me to hear about all of them, but this time I knew I wouldn't be afraid to mention him.

"He knows you're here now?" I said abruptly, but Alice knew what I meant in an instant. Her shoulders sagged.

"Yes." She nodded. "Look, he asked me to ask you if you would consider seeing him. He - he just wants to talk." The way she said the last sentence, I could tell that she knew what had transpired between Edward and I. _Oh God, of course Alice knows._ That thought hit me like a thunderbolt._ She's probably even seen the whole thing in her head, before it happened. _My head was becoming a swirl of incoherent visions and memories, culminating in just one: _Is that why he came here and persisted? Because he already knew that I'd give into him? _Alice had been watching the play of emotions across my face, and knew what I was thinking. She grasped my hand kindly.

"Bella, if you're thinking that I told him what I saw and that's why he came here, it's not," she said seriously, her expression no longer carefree. "Well, not exactly,-" she held up a hand "-but let me finish. I wasn't supposed to try and see your future after we left, but you're my best friend, and so I couldn't help checking on you. I'm already attuned to you, so it was easy apart from when you were with the um, pack." I almost smiled at Alice's attempt to find a neutral way to describe the werewolves. "I saw you sitting in your room a few weeks ago, and you were crying. I heard you say "Edward, I'm sorry. I miss you." I told him that I saw that."

"But not about the sex." I was blushing furiously now, and Alice didn't look too comfortable either as she shook her head. I could tell she hadn't expected me to be quite so candid.

"Yes, well, I've already seen you naked, Bella (Alice had of course helped me wash and dress when I'd had a cast on my leg), so it didn't come as a great shock to me. My brother, on the other hand, that was kind of...awkward." She let out a nervous giggle and I joined in, breaking the tension. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she added reproachfully, "I didn't mean that I think the situation's funny."

I grinned at her. "It's okay, it sort of is, really, when you think about it."

"I probably should have told him, because then he would have known and that may have changed his reaction to you," Alice said, casting her eyes down guiltily. "You had a boyfriend, that was wrong. It's just – I always thought you loved my brother so much more than you knew, and had to hope that you still did. I guess I never wanted to give up hope on the idea that you might really, truly become my vampire sister someday. The vision wasn't certain, either, I just kind of had this sense that whatever happened, it would only happen if it was _right_. I don't know if I'm making sense."

I nodded as I took everything in. "You are. And I'm not mad. Being with him – it was the most alive I'd felt in more than two years." I sighed heavily, bringing my knees to my chest to hug them.

"I just can't stop thinking about him since it happened. I thought I'd gotten over him, but obviously not. And oh, Jacob, he - he's so upset-" I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes even as I tried to stop them. Alice produced a tissue instantly and I gratefully took it, holding it to my eyes as they streamed. She didn't speak: she just patted my back and waited for me to stop. After a couple of minutes, I was calm again. I briefly explained what had happened between Jacob and I recently, keeping it as succinct as possible. I knew I had to tell her everything, but there was no escaping the way her eyes bulged when I told her how he'd nearly phased right next to me.

"Jacob Black's very good to you, Bella," Alice allowed, with just a hint of harshness in her crystal voice. "I guess everyone can be pushed a bit too far. But that's the trouble with a werewolf, even one who's learned to control his abilities. They're unpredictable. Not that vampires are any better company: we naturally have our own risks. It just horrifies me to think that you were in that amount of danger, and I couldn't even see it. It's _so _frustrating - ugh!" I found myself patting Alice's arm in sympathy, and we both smiled at the reversal of the situation. "Hey, never mind me. I've had to get used to the fact I can't see you whenever the wolves descend. It just makes me nervous, because as we both know, you're far more prone to life-threatening idiocy than any other human." I smiled sheepishly at this.

"Edward wants to see me?" I asked with an incredulous sigh. "I didn't know that he'd want to, I thought maybe he'd just made a terrible mistake by allowing himself to sleep with me."

Alice took both my hands into hers and her golden eyes held my gaze earnestly. "I don't know what he said to you, Bella, but I can tell you this. He loves you so, so much, and he's struggled to stay away from you these past two years. We've all been around him, so this time we know firsthand. This is your decision to make, but I think you need to have all the facts first. I know you might find it hard to trust him again, but please believe me when I say that what he did was in regard for your happiness.

"I know my brother, and I can tell he honestly did think that you'd be happier with Jacob, that he would be healthier for you. Maybe he would, but I can honestly say that I feel like you love Edward more than you love him. Look, I know my brother is a total idiot who hates himself and manages to screw up everything good in his life, but he will never care more for anything or anyone than he cares for you. He just panicked after what happened, and thought that you'd changed in your feelings towards him. I know he left you once before, so you might find this hard to believe, but the Jacob thing really hurt him, more than he let on."

I felt my heart swell as she said those words. I knew that I cared about Edward too, so much more than I could ever express in words or actions. And I could suddenly appreciate what it must have been like to be in Edward's shoes. He'd seen me passionately kiss another man, and I'd then cried on his shoulder all night. I let out a sharp intake of breath as I began to appreciate just how much Edward had been keeping from him at the time.

"What an _idiot_!" I exclaimed. If he'd just told me how he felt, then I would have told him that the love I had for Jacob was barely a shadow of what I had for him. That he was the only man for me, _ever. _Despite the sinking feeling it gave me in my stomach, I knew this to be true.

"Just think carefully, Bella, before you decide, for both their sakes," Alice advised in a soft tone. "I don't think Edward could take it if you changed your mind."

I nodded, the euphoria of my epiphany wearing off as it dawned on me what this would do to Jake. And yet I loved Edward with a passion and devotion I knew I could not begin to understand. If it had been any other human, I would not even have known what I missed with Jake, but Edward was something more. Because of his inhuman, vampire nature, he was able to love me much more than I dreamed anyone ever could. His feelings would never change, and neither would mine, despite what I'd spent all this time trying to tell myself.

It was like what Jacob had said: "_I can't fight with an eclipse." _ How true I knew that to be. Edward had come back and once again eclipsed my world, turning it upside down. I wanted to hate him for it, and honestly, I did a little. I'd resolved to put things right, and here I was about to do the exact opposite. However, a desperate longing to see him again, to look upon his achingly beautiful face, overshadowed my hatred. That longing superseded everything, even the guilty knots which twisted in my stomach. I'd tried to forget it by being with Jake, but I would never be free of my all-consuming desire for Edward as long as I lived.

It wasn't fair to live a lie to Jake, but I cringed at the thought of telling him I didn't love him any more. Although, it wasn't even that. I _did_ love him, even now, and we'd spend a wonderful two years together. He was my best friend. Beside the love I had for Edward, however, that love looked hollow - a faint shadow of how I could feel and be with someone. Jake hadn't put my shattered sky back together after all, he'd only mended it temporarily and now the cracks were beginning to show. They'd first appeared when I'd begun to think of Edward again, and they had only deepened the moment I felt his arms around me and his lips upon mine. _Effortless, natural, wrong, and yet so right. _I was powerless to stop this, though I knew it would kill Jake.

"I feel like the most terrible person, Alice," I said, and my voice was barely a whisper. I could feel fat tears brimming beneath my eyelids, and I blinked them back.

She shook her head. "No, you're not. You're human, and consequently, you'll make mistakes. This isn't going to be an easy decision for you to make, I know. But I know you, Bella. I know in the end, you'll do the right thing." She smiled at me. "Remember, though: the right choice will be the one that makes you happy. I'll always think of you as my sister, and I love you, but I know that you always try and keep everyone else happy, sometimes at your own expense." She pulled me into a cold embrace.

"Oh, I love you, too, Alice!" I cried, overcome with the sound of my best girlfriend's clear, bell voice and the wonderful smell that came off her skin as I hugged her. "I'm so glad that I've got you here. There's no one else I could really talk to about this." Her grin widened, showing off her dazzlingly white teeth. The next moment, she stood up with an apologetic smile, and gracefully stepped backwards. I froze. Surely she wasn't about to leave again?

"I've just seen that Charlie's about to come back, he took an hour off work to talk to you," she explained. "I'll be back later." She squeezed my hand reassuringly and with one blink of my eyelids, Alice Cullen had vanished. I barely had a moment to calm myself before I heard Charlie's police cruiser pull into the drive.

"Bells?" he called as he stepped into the house.

I sighed. I'd known this was coming. "Up here, Dad," I replied, resigned to my fate.

Charlie came into my room, looking as awkward as I'd envisioned he would. He shifted from one foot to the other and cleared his throat.

"Honey, I was kind of hoping to talk to you." I inwardly groaned. _No surprise there_.

"What are you doing back here, I thought you were supposed to be at work at this time of the day?" I countered, hoping that he didn't notice the puffiness of my eyes. That seemed unlikely, however, as his eyebrows knitted together with worry.

"I took an hour or so off, got Joe to cover for me," he said, knowing that we both knew why he'd really come back. He exhaled. "I'm worried about you, baby. You seem so miserable all the time. Billy tells me you and Jake have barely seen each other and that Jake's upset all the time. You don't even seem like you're really here most of the time when I speak to you. Like your mind's somewhere else. What's going on?"

My breath caught in my chest. _You got that right, Dad, _I thought. Charlie could be annoyingly perceptive, despite his dogged determination not to notice things that didn't make sense to him. He didn't know that Jake was a werewolf, but he flinched whenever Jake shook his hand, clearly shocked by the extreme heat of him. Or how Jake never wore a coat much, even in icy weather. These were all things he preferred to ignore, but he wouldn't ignore my sanity. He obviously feared the return of the 'zombie Bella' of old. I felt sort of bad that I could never fully explain to Charlie what was going on in my life, as that would entail an explanation of the supernatural beings that were inevitably involved in it. It wasn't fair to put him in danger by knowing about the world of werewolves and vampires, and so I'd have to keep schtum, no matter how closely he questioned me.

"Things haven't exactly been good between me and Jake," I admitted, and my shoulders sagged. "I didn't really want to tell you, because I thought things would be okay. You and Billy were always so thrilled that we were seeing each other that I thought you'd be angry."

For a second Charlie looked truly nonplussed. "Bella," he said seriously, coming over to sit beside me on the bed. "You're my daughter. It doesn't matter that Billy's my friend, you shouldn't feel like you can't tell me when things are going wrong." I flushed scarlet at this, and he bit his lip nervously in response. "I know, you're a teenage girl, you'd rather die than talk to your old man about boys, but I'd rather you explained to me at least a little about what's going on."

As embarrassing as this was going to be, Charlie had been terribly worried about me. I owed him an explanation of sorts. "Things just haven't been the same. I haven't felt - happy - in too long. I think about all sorts of things, all the time."

I raised my eyes to see my father staring at me curiously. "You like someone else, huh?" My heart rate accelerated, and my cheeks coloured once more. Charlie was definitely more perceptive than I'd ever given him credit for. Having this conversation was giving me the strong urge to disappear into a hole in the ground, but I willed myself to meet his gaze.

I gulped.

"You've always been an old soul, Bella, but you're only young. Of course I like Jake, he's a great kid, but you're only 19. You don't have to settle down in a small town, not like your old Dad. Not just because you're with a guy from here." I shot a small smile at him, which was all I could muster. "If you want to date one of the other, er - yahoos in town, then that's okay. Just don't make it too hard on Jake when you tell him."

_Oh God, I was going to have to tell Charlie. But could I? _"Dad, it's Edward Cullen. So not as simple as you think."

Charlie's eyes popped out. His mouth gaped like a goldfish, and his face turned a very deep shade of puce. "What?!" he spluttered, and I knew I was in for it. "Has he been here? I thought all the Cullens had been gone for ages. Back to LA, I heard. If I hear that good-for-nothing boy's been lurking around here, I tell you I'm going to -" His fingers automatically flexed like he was priming his shotgun.

"No, Dad, of course not," I lied, keeping my eyes on the floor. "I just can't forget him." That was all I was going to say, and no more was necessary. I think Charlie and I had just had the most sufficiently embarrassing conversation in our entire history.

Charlie sighed heavily, his face turning a slightly lighter shade. "He's not good for you, Bella. And you know he won't be coming back."

I felt my body tense and a spasm of fear shot through me. "You don't know anything!" I heard myself hiss. _Very mature, Bella._

Charlie looked stunned at that outburst, and we both sat in silence for a moment. The seconds dragged, but neither one of us wanted to be the one to end it. The shrill ring of the phone made us both start. He got up to answer it. "Wait there. We are _not_ done with this," he said as he went downstairs, and his eyes flashed menacingly. He was Chief Swan now, and I was most definitely in trouble. Though I knew I shouldn't, I stole quietly to the top of the stairs so I could hear who it was.

_"No, she's not here," _Charlie was saying tersely into the phone.

"_She's at college today." _Weird thing to say. Oh, he meant _me?_

A pause.

_"Yeah, me too. I don't know what's got into her these days." _Was that Billy? _Had to be._

Charlie sounded angrier now. _"Look, she's my daughter and I know that whatever's happening, she's not taking it lightly. Jake's a tough kid, he can take care of himself. It's her I'm worried about. It's like she's sinking." _I was never good at putting on an act around Charlie, and this proved it.

A sigh escaped him, and this time when he spoke his tone was measured: _"I know he is. I'll tell her. But maybe you and I should just stay out of it, and let them handle it themselves. They're only young, Billy. Sometimes these things just don't work out."_

_"I'm sorry too."_

_"Yeah, the game next Saturday sounds fine. I'll see you then."_ I heard him breathe in and out deeply as he replaced the handset, and tiptoed back to my room as I heard him turn to go up the stairs again. I sat on my bed and tried to look nonchalant, hoping he couldn't hear my heart thumping like a jackhammer.

"That was Billy."

"Oh," I said, feigning surprise. "What did he call for?"

"He says Jacob's not feeling too great either," said Charlie, drumming his fingers on the desk absently. "Says Jacob's concerned about you."

I sighed heavily. "I know he is. I'm worried about him too."

"Bella, it's okay," he said, crossing the room to sit by me. He patted my shoulder. "Relationships don't always work out when you're young. Look at me and your mother. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit it's not working and call it quits, before you hurt each other even more." His eyes misted over, and I could tell he was no longer just talking about Jacob and I. Poor Charlie, how he must have suffered when Renee had left, taking me with her when I was just six months old.

"Dad, it's not that simple. I really miss Edward."

He looked as if he wanted to say something at that, but he breathed in sharply through his nose instead. "I feel like there's more to this than you're telling me. But I know you'll do the right thing in the end."

In an unexpected gesture, he pulled me into a tight hug and I almost welled up again at how much I loved my father. He just couldn't understand how complicated this was, however, and I couldn't explain. I'd have to go my own way on this one.

As I watched Charlie's back disappearing from my room, I hoped that I'd know what to do. Alice would be back in a minute and then I'd arrange to see _him_. I felt worse knowing that if I broke up with Jake, Charlie wouldn't be mad at me. _If he knew you were breaking up with Jake to be with Edward, would he be so understanding?_ said a malicious voice in my head. These days, I felt as if my head was going to explode with all the thoughts swimming around in there.

I couldn't lie to myself any longer. I finally knew what I'd been trying to tell myself all along: that I would never love Jake like I loved Edward, and there was nothing I could do about it. That was fine, while Edward was gone, but now that he was back everything had changed. He was out there, and he wanted me, or so I hoped. I knew what Alice had meant when she'd tried to convince me of the sincerity of his actions, but I still wanted to hear his side of it, considering how much he'd hurt me.

I had a choice to make. A happy, normal human life or an immortal life which stretched out into a boundless, uncertain forever? I had to talk to Edward, and I needed it to happen soon. If he still wanted me, I knew the answer I would give him. If Edward didn't want me any more, then I knew I could find the strength to tell Jake everything and see if he still wanted me. How calculating that sounded, but that wasn't how I meant it.

Without Edward, Jake would be enough, and I knew this to be true. For as long as Edward Cullen existed, however, Jacob Black would never be able to make my shattered sky whole again. He deserved better than me.

* * *

**A different chapter to what I've written before, I hope you liked it. I didn't mean to make Bella seem callous or uncaring, I hope I've sufficiently shown the struggle that her decision is causing her. Poor Jake. More soon to come! Chapter 8 will take a while to arrive, as the first draft of my thesis is due in at the end of the month and I'm focusing on that, not FF. It's one of the pivotal chapters of the entire story so I want to be sure I can give it my full attention and make it as good as possible. Please be patient, I love you all majorly! Add me on Twitter as glitteratiglue if you want.**

**PLEASE REVIEW**! x


	8. Vindication

**Hi, if anyone's still reading this, sorry that this chapter took so long to come. I'm super busy as it's my last semester of university, and I'm writing a Jasper/Bella story, I Caught Fire, alongside this one. Edward and Bella have their talk in the meadow...I hope you enjoy it and reviews are always appreciated!**

*** Thanks to SunKingFF for betaing this. *  
**

**Playlist:**

**This Love – Craig Armstrong feat. Elizabeth Fraser**

**Give Me A Reason – The Corrs**

**I'm Lost Without You - blink-182**

**The Portrait – James Horner**

**Meet Me On The Equinox – Death Cab For Cutie**

**Chapter 8: Vindication**

_**Soul, heart, and body, we thus singly name,**_  
_**Are not in love divisible and distinct,**_  
_**But each with each inseparably link'd.**_  
_**One is not honour, and the other shame,**_  
_**But burn as closely fused as fuel, heat, and flame.**_

_**They do not love who give the body and keep**_  
_**The heart ungiven; nor they who yield the soul,**_  
_**And guard the body. Love doth give the whole;**_  
_**Its range being high as heaven, as ocean deep,**_  
_**Wide as the realms of air or planet's curving sweep.**_

_**Love's Trinity – Alfred Austin**_

_**

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**Bella's POV  
**

I squinted into the glimmering sunlight that shone through the trees, relishing the warmth on my skin. It was so unseasonably warm that I'd even been able to wear a top with spaghetti straps, a leftover from my days in sunny Phoenix. We were well into autumn now, so such a day was unprecedented.

"Ready?" Alice chirped, beaming at me. I nodded, feeling a large lump lodge in my throat. I was afraid of what I was doing, afraid of seeing Edward again, but I would be just as afraid of not seeing him if I didn't go. And I was afraid of what I was doing to Jake. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as I saw his face in my mind, etched with pain, but I forced myself to banish that thought. Taking a deep breath, I locked down my muscles and steeled myself.

_No need to be a coward, Bella. You know you have to do this._

Alice squatted down so I could climb on her back, and we both laughed at the fact she was just as small and slight as I, yet she could carry me with the strength of someone far taller and stronger. She locked my arms round her neck, and I wrapped my legs around her tightly, tucking my ankles around one another securely.

"He'll be waiting," she said, turning round to flash me a reassuring smile. I returned her enthusiasm with a frozen hint of a smile, unsure of how I was supposed to be feeling.

"Close your eyes," she added, and then we were off. How alive I felt! The wind rushed through my hair, and I drew in deep breaths of fresh, sweet air as we flew through the forest at breakneck speed. I knew I ought to close my lids, but I could not, such was the beauty of the sun-dappled greenery as it blew past. Soon it was over. We remained under the shadow of the trees but, just beyond, I could see the meadow. That magical place that had been so special for Edward and I, where we fell in love. I had never visited since he had left, unable to appreciate its beauty without him there.

Awkwardly, I slid off Alice's back and stretched. She grinned at me and gave me a little push, herding me closer to the edge of the trees. "Alice," I said firmly. "I'll be _fine._" She nodded.

"I'll just..." she started to say, and then turned on her heel and vanished into the forest in a blur of ivory skin and dark hair.

Cautiously, I broke through the tree line and took a step into the meadow. The hot sun beat down upon the slowly emerging wild flowers and the boughs of the surrounding trees, as they swayed slightly in the warm breeze. The air was perfumed with the scent of the flowers and I breathed in a lungful of air, luxuriating in the fresh scent.

It was then that I saw him, standing over by the other side of the trees, tall, proud and clad in dark jeans and a grey t-shirt. He faced away from me and I continued to step further through the grass. It was obvious his attuned vampire senses could feel my approach because his hands balled into fists at his sides, but he did not turn.

"Edward," I called, my voice quavering.

Instantly, as he heard his name on my lips, he wheeled to face me. I was still walking, and getting closer every second. He held up a hand and I frowned, puzzled, as I slowed my steps. However, the sight of him momentarily distracted me. His clothes clung to his hard, lean pale figure in all the right places. His taut biceps strained through the short sleeves of his t-shirt, highlighting his sculpted muscles. And his face...as much as I had tried to tell myself this, his was not a human face. Its beauty and symmetry were inhuman. Ever line - every curve of his cheek, his jaw, his forehead - was beyond mere perfection.

I felt the rhythm of my heart accelerate, and I knew he could hear it. My mouth fell open with a popping sound, and I closed it hastily, feeling foolish. A smirk twitched at the corner of his lips, but the beautiful hand was still held aloft.

"Please, Bella, don't come any closer for now," he said, and I inwardly melted at the sound of his smooth, lilting voice. Instantly, I complied, my feet coming to a standstill. _Damn it!_ Why did Edward always have this effect on me? In his presence, my brain always felt as if it had become disconnected from my body, and my thoughts and mental processes were no longer my own. The sun went in, leaving us under the cover of the overcast clouds more usual for Forks.

He shot an apologetic glance at me, his bronze eyes fixed on me. "Sorry, am I dazzling you?"

I wanted to tell him "No," but he was still under the cover of the shady trees. If he stepped out into the sun, I was sure I would be lost. A hint of sadness pierced my heart as I remembered a light-hearted conversation Edward and I had once had about the fact that he dazzled me.

"I've got a good reason," he went on. "Bella, I - I can't be held responsible for what I do around you. If you were to come any closer at this moment, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from pressing you into the cool grass and taking you right here, right now."

I trembled as I heard his justification, feeling a deep blush spread over my neck and face. My foot twitched as if to move forward, but my conscience halted me. _Jacob. No Bella, you'll do this right, and do as right by Jake as you possibly can. No more mistakes._

Drawing myself up to my full height, I squared my feet firmly on the ground and folded my arms.

"Then I won't subject you to that temptation. Okay, let's talk." Sharpness crept into my voice as I attempted to sound as businesslike as possible.

He raised an eyebrow, yet complied and also crossed his arms. "I wanted to see you," he said, and I saw his eyes were soft with emotion.

"I know, Alice told me," I said calmly, trying to make my face nonchalant.

"She said you were unhappy," Edward said quietly. "Please tell me, Bella, if you are – I can't bear it."

I sighed heavily: resigned to the fact I was going to have to tell him the truth. I nodded, blushing furiously. His eyes widened.

"I like it when you blush," he murmured, and he took a step closer to me. I bit down on my lip nervously, feeling my heart rate increase.

"I -," he began, obviously struggling with something, "-_heard_ you." He practically spat the last two words, and my eyebrows knitted together. _What?_

"Bella, I'm a fool. I told you I'd always be waiting in the wings, but I couldn't stay away. Ever since that night we spent together, I can't stop thinking about you. I'm still in hell without you, only it's ten times worse now that I know what's it's like to make love to you. I came back to see you, followed your scent from the restaurant in town all the way out to La Push. And I heard you with – _him._" His liquid gold eyes froze over in that instant, tightening in their pain.

The lump in my throat grew even larger, and all I wanted was to go to him. _No, Bella. Staying put is safest for now._ Besides, I was utterly horrified that Edward had heard me having sex with Jake. The last thing I wanted was for Edward to doubt me again. The sun came out again, burning hotter than ever, and I became aware just how revealing my strappy vest was. I adjusted it, and Edward's hungry stare, which even his anguish couldn't hide, did not escape my notice.

"Edward," I began, carefully forming my words, though it was hard to form a coherent sentence when he was looking at me like that. "I don't want to talk about that, please. I was really trying to make things work with Jake."

"And are they?" he said, his face impassive, but with a hint of something burning beneath the surface.

I blinked, finding it difficult to process thoughts right now as I stared into his devastatingly handsome face. "What?"

"Working," he replied simply. _Oh. _I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing what I had to say.

"No!" I cried, surprising even myself with the anger in my voice. "And I suppose you're happy about that, are you? That I've hurt one of the most decent human beings there is, and -"

"He's hardly human, Bella," Edward interjected, realising his mistake when I shot him a glare. His mouth snapped shut.

"Do you know what nearly happened? Jacob knew I'd been thinking about you," I went on, my heart thumping in my chest. I felt so pissed off, and unfortunately Edward was about to get the brunt of it. "When he realised that I'd been thinking about you when we were...you know, he nearly _phased_, he got so angry. That wasn't his fault. This is what I've been doing to Jacob, and I can't bear it. I don't want to lie to myself any more." I saw him tense as I mentioned the near-phase, but surprisingly, he chose not to pursue the issue.

"Lie to yourself about what, Bella?" Edward asked in that soft, seductive voice that he knew made me melt, and he stepped closer to me. We were barely an inch apart now. His sweet breath blew into my face, and I began to feel dizzy. One of his hands drew up to stroke my arm, and as his cool fingers connected with my warm skin, I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through me. _Bella, get a grip. You're supposed to be angry with him!_ Unwillingly, I wrenched my arm from his touch and drew back. He looked hurt, and I ached to reach for him, but it was his own fault for trying to manipulate me with his perfect physical characteristics. I had to make what I was telling him clear, and I couldn't even think while he was touching me.

"About loving you," I finally said, and my voice was barely a whisper. I closed my eyes, afraid of his reaction and what it would do to me.

"Bella, open your eyes," I heard Edward say. "Please."

Taking a deep breath, I opened my lids. I squinted at the bright light, and then he stepped even closer to me, bringing him into the path of the sun. His face and arms shimmered as the sun's rays bounced off them, turning his exposed skin into liquid crystal, the facets twinkling. I exhaled, speechless, as I took in Edward's graceful form in the sunlight. How could he be meant for me? I knew he was, all the same.

"Dazzling you again?" he guessed, grinning slightly. I nodded, a small giggle escaping my own lips. "Well, there's nobody here to see me except you."

He drew in a deep breath, and suddenly pressed his face against my hair and murmured: "Beautiful." Barely a moment later, he let go and stepped back. The feeling of him touching my hair made blood boil beneath my skin, as if an invisible electric current were surging between the two of us. I knew we shouldn't be touching. That made it all the harder to resist each other.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing that," Edward said with a heavy sigh. "I've been selfish enough already. I encouraged you to commit an indiscretion with me, knowing the guilt and shame it would cause you in the long run. You know I never meant for that night to happen, as wonderful as it was."

"It was wonderful for me, too," I muttered, though I knew he could hear.

"The moment I tasted your lips, I was lost. And so I shall be again if I taste them again right now."

"Okay, then you definitely shouldn't." I shuffled backwards so he was slightly further away, trying to ignore the uneven, pounding rhythm of my heart. He ran a hand through his hair and the tiny points of crystal on his skin shifted, glimmering under the sun's gaze. I was transfixed again, and unable to do anything about it.

My knees weakened, and I sat down heavily on the grass, my head spinning. In an instant he joined me and sat opposite, still leaving a gap of several feet in between us. The warm breeze picked up, and the scent of the wild flowers reached me. "Mmm," I sighed, breathing in their delicious scent. Although...

"They don't smell anywhere near as mouth-watering as you do," Edward said with a grin, interrupting my thoughts. His caramel eyes were locked on mine, and I felt as if he were drawing my soul out from deep within me with his gaze. I bit the flesh of my lip and gave him a half-smile, for I'd just been thinking the same about him. Moments passed, and the only sounds heard were the breeze fluttering against the trees, and the chirping of a nearby bird. Edward never took his eyes off me as he waited for me to speak.

"I need to know why, Edward," I said eventually. "I mean – I think I have some idea, but I need to hear it from you. Why did you leave again? Did you really believe that I loved Jacob Black more than you? How could you have believed that?" My voice shook, tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I was an inch from breaking into a million pieces, and I didn't want him to see that. I breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm myself, even as I watched Edward's face twist into agony. I knew what we'd lost that day when he'd leapt from my window. The night he made love to me so tenderly had thrown it into sharp relief. What I wanted to know was, could we get it back? My heart thumped in my chest as I waited for the man I loved so unequivocally to answer me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said, his voice rippling with emotion. "I know how inadequate that word is, considering what I did to you, not once, but twice, but it's how I feel. When you...kissed Jacob-," he started, and I could see that the memory was still painful for him, "-I was prepared to let that go, even though it was killing me inside. The rational side of me knew that you'd only done it to get him to come back, that you'd fallen for his low trick. But the tiny, jealous voice inside me seemed to grow louder by the second, and I began to believe that perhaps that wasn't the only reason you'd kissed him.

"And then when you cried all night, it terrified me. You were in absolute agony, worse than I'd ever seen you, and I didn't know how to help you. As I lay silently and held you, my imagination went into overdrive, and I gave those poisonous thoughts full run of my mind. I knew that you were in love with Jacob, I had known for a long time, but it was the intensity of your pain at having to let him go that made me wonder if I had underestimated the love you had for him. I reasoned that you'd be happier with him, and that in time, with his love, you would forget me. It destroyed me to think that, for I knew I would never be able to forget you."

I listened unquestioningly as Edward poured his heart out to me. I was getting answers, but they didn't make me feel as good as I'd envisioned. Instead, I felt terrible that I'd caused Edward and Jake so much pain over me. I really was a complete bitch, always thinking of myself. I was still selfish enough to hope that Edward still wanted me. What would his choice be? I ached to know, but knew he had to tell me in his own time.

The sculpted planes of his face smoothed out, the pain dissipating from it. "Bella, I don't think I ever fully appreciated what an empathetic person you are. You make Jasper look like a robot." I laughed nervously, relieved that he was making a joke, and he smiled weakly back at me. "What I mean is, I hadn't realised how much Jacob's pain was hurting you too. His pain was your pain. And I know you did love him, but now I've realised that it didn't seem the same as your love for me. Is that still the case?"

I paused before I spoke to retreat inside my own head for a moment. I loved Jacob as more than a friend, and to end things between us would dig splinters deep into my heart. I wanted the best for him and I wanted him to be happy. However, there was none of the passion and need that I felt for Edward. If Edward would have me again, he would be the one to pry those splinters from my wounded heart.

"Yes," I whispered in answer to his question. He got up onto his knees and shifted closer to me. He ran the flat of his hand across my jaw. I tingled, unable to move as his refreshingly cool fingers ghosted over my jaw line, then my collarbone. His face was inches from mine, and his icy breath fanned me, making me feel as if I were drunk on desire. My lips fell open slightly, and I quivered. Slowly, his thumb ran over each lip in turn. It felt incredibly sensual, and conjured up memories of everything else he could do with that thumb.

_Bella, no! You can't let this happen...You can't kiss him now! Not like this..._Edward's lips were still, but they did not move. He shook his head and wrenched his gaze from me, taking his hand from my face.

"No, we can't," he said in agreement with my unspoken thoughts. "It wouldn't be right."

"Of course," I agreed though I was flushed, shaking and could feel wetness seeping into my panties. _Not like this._

Can you ever forgive me?" he began once more. "I was driven mad by jealousy and all the things I never told you that were eating away at my dead heart, piece by piece. I've missed you so much, Bella, and I've been lost ever since I let you go. Making love to you only deepened my longing for you. I've been torturing myself with the hope that you might one day be mine again. I know I committed the most heinous crime by abandoning you a second time, but I was, well – a total fucking idiot. I thought that your flighty, human heart had given itself to another, and I was more wrong than I could have ever imagined."

Even then, I had to smile at Edward's use of that profanity. He rarely swore, a habit ingrained in him by his proper upbringing, but occasionally the gentlemanly façade would slip. An apologetic smile passed over his face briefly.

"The world's biggest total fucking idiot," he added, his eyes searching my face for a response.

"Edward," I said finally, shifting so I was closer to where he sat. I let my eyes focus on him, and only him before I spoke. "There are things I need to say too. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"Bella, you have nothing to be - " he started, but I held up a hand and he fell silent, knowing he had to let me say this.

"I do, believe me," I said. "What I did about you and Jake – it wasn't right. I messed with your head, and lied to you about the nature of my feelings for him. I even lied to myself, and the truth came out in the worst possible way: the kiss. I wish it hadn't happened, but at the same time, I don't think I would have ever fully realised that I loved him otherwise. In doing so, I came to the conclusion that I loved you so much more. I'm so sorry for the tears though. I never should have let you stay with me. I needed you so badly, but I was being selfish beyond belief, not thinking about what seeing me like that would do to you."

I took a deep breath and looked up. Edward's eyes were soft, and he reached for my hand. This time I let him take it, a tremor passing through me at his cold touch. A warm thrill surged through me, and I thought how strange it was that the coldest touch could kindle the hottest fires within me. "I still don't think you have anything to be sorry for, but it's okay," he said quietly.

"Can you ever forgive me?" he repeated. My heart thumped in my chest as his cool fingers caressed my palm, tracing small circles. "Can you ever forgive me for leaving you, and for making love to you when I never should have?"

"Yes," I breathed, and I squeezed his hand. In that moment, I felt more real, more alive than I had in weeks. Even though I could not suppress the panic that started to overcome me. _Well, that was it. Oh God, Jake – what would he say? _I bit my lip, ashamed of feeling such happiness when it was at the expense of another's.

Edward frowned as he watched my face fall, but a second later his eyes lit up in understanding. "I know, Bella – I'll give you time to take care of things."

"We just can't stay away from one another, can we?" I mused, staring down at our entwined hands and wondering if this was all a dream. _Edward loved me. He loved me. And I loved him, more than life itself. _To be together again seemed more natural than anything, but the path ahead of us would be rocky to start with.

"I think we're meant to be together, Bella. Whatever happens, our paths always seem to cross again. Admittedly, it is usually my fault, but -"

I laughed then, a soft, warm sound that bubbled out of my chest. I couldn't remember when I'd last really laughed, and I missed the sound. Edward grinned.

"I don't want us to ever be apart again," I told him, the seriousness of my words hanging in the air.

He took my other hand and clasped both my hands in his, his gaze smouldering. The tension between us was palpable and the air literally crackled with electricity as I felt his skin on mine.

"My world is nothing without you. _Nothing._ I realise it may take time for you to trust me again, but now that I've explained, I hope that you will come to understand that I will never stop loving you, and I will never leave you again."

I blinked, a tear slipping from beneath my lashes at his beautiful, sincere words to me. Edward reached out and brushed it away.

"Don't cry," he murmured soothingly. "I don't know that I can ever put into words how much I love you, Isabella Swan, and how much you mean to me. However, I promise I will try to show you every day, for the rest of your life."

His last words sent alarm bells ringing. _For the rest of MY LIFE? Oh no...that stupid, MORAL vampire!!!_

"Edward," I said, the steely tone returning to my voice. "Are you trying to say that you won't change me? You _promised_ before."

His shoulders sagged, and he sighed heavily. "Must we discuss this now?" he said, but then caught the look on my face and realised I wasn't kidding. "Well now, clearly our previous bargain no longer exists, considering recent events. But my offer still stands. You know what it is. Time – or matrimony."

My heart fluttered in my chest. I knew that I loved him, but marriage was still a difficult thing for me to comprehend. Especially right then, when Jake didn't even know I couldn't be with him any more. It seemed almost cruel to think of at that moment. No, that could wait. There was something else I wanted to tell him, though.

"By the way – don't apologise for making love to me. It was perfect. I know it was wrong, but maybe for us, it was what was right all along. I knew you wouldn't hurt me." The memories of that night washed over me. His tender kisses pressed to every part of my body, the skilled way his body manipulated mine...It was more than lust: it was the passion of a pair of lovers who were perfectly matched in both body and soul.

"Waiting until after we were married would have been the proper thing to do," he said with a wanton grin, showing his thoughts were clearly elsewhere, and my heart stuttered unevenly. "I didn't expect you to take me back, though. I was terribly selfish that night – I wanted to give myself to you in a way I'd never been able to before, despite the fact I knew you were with someone else."

"Stop looking at me like that," I chastised even as I blushed. Edward looked at me in mock innocence, and I raised an eyebrow. "If you keep doing that I'm going to forget that I shouldn't kiss you right now."

I bit my lip. The early afternoon sun was warm. It felt unreal, to be sitting here with Edward in the lush, emerald grass, but I couldn't stay any longer. There were things I needed to do. I couldn't avoid Jacob any longer. I owed him that much, for he'd been my best friend and my lover for so long. The lump lodged itself in my throat again at the thought of hurting him. I knew, however, that I couldn't have it both ways. I hoped he'd find happiness with another one day, but that was the best I could do.

"Bella," he murmured softly, tracing the line of my cheek with his fingers. "I know that you hate yourself right now. I know that Jacob's pain is your pain, and that it'll hurt you a lot. Take all the time you need, and I'll be waiting."

My heart melted at the sound of Edward's clear, velvet-smooth voice. I knew that we'd been meant for each other all along. Somehow, this immortal _god_ was meant for me, though I never would be the equal of his love.

He got to his feet and the light bounced off his skin again. I shook my head, trying to throw off the haziness that was threatening to work its way into my brain again. He held out a hand and I took it, letting him pull me to my feet. Still feeling unsteady on my legs, I stretched, relieving the tension that had set into my limbs as we'd been sitting on the grass.

'You need to be getting back, right?" he asked, though it was more of a statement than a question.

I nodded, suddenly realising I had no way of getting back if Alice had gone.

Edward seemed to know what I was thinking, despite not being able to read my mind. "Come on, little coward, climb on my back," he said with a teasing grin, and those words suddenly jogged my memory. He'd said them before, a long time ago...

With a jolt, I recalled the first time I'd experienced his unorthodox way of travelling through the forest. I'd become dizzy as a result, and fainted- something that had caused Edward much mirth at the time. Of course, he hadn't fully realised that it wasn't so much the journey, but merely his presence that made me faint. His touch, his smell, everything about him. And now I had even more lurid memories of his magnificent naked body and the tender, intimate way he touched me...

He pulled me on to his back with ease and made sure I was holding firmly to him. The close contact sent sparks darting over my skin, and I breathed in the sweet, honey-lilac smell of his neck as I clung to his stone body. This time I closed my eyes, wanting to revel in the sensation of being so close to Edward, and clung tightly to his hard, muscular form as he sped through the trees at full tilt. In no time at all, it was over. Though I was loath to relinquish close contact with him, I reluctantly let him gently prise my arms from around his neck and set me on my feet.

I faced him, my eyes settling on the ground. His fingers sought my chin, tilting it upwards with gentle but irresistible force so I was looking into his eyes once more. His gold irises appeared serene and calm, but something was burning beneath the surface. "Do you have any idea, Isabella Marie Swan," he murmured seductively, "how much I'd like to kiss you right now?"

I ached to touch him, but I forced my hands to clench into fists, locking them to the sides of my hips. "Edward Anthony _Masen_ Cullen," I began, turning his words back on him with a slight smile. "Wow - that really is a long-ass name, I'm not surprised you never bother using the full one." I couldn't help laughing nervously at my stupid verbal diarrhoea during such an intense moment. He shrugged, flashing a gleaming white grin at me.

"As I was saying," I continued, keeping my hands balled into fists. That hadn't escaped his notice, as I saw amusement twitching at the corner of his lip, but I carried on regardless. "I'd like to kiss you just as much, but you know we can't. I need to talk to Jake first - every second I stand here I'm doing him more wrong. I've done enough damage already."

Edward was already shaking his head. "I know, you silly girl," he sighed, a little exasperated, and took his hand from my chin. I whimpered at the loss of contact, but bit it back at the last second. "I was just thinking out loud." I relaxed, allowing my fists to unfurl, and then fidgeted, tugging at the hem of my vest as I shifted from one foot to the other. "Okay, so..."

With a graceful step, he shot off into the trees, too fast for me to even see. The leaves rustled in the breeze he'd briefly created , the only proof that he'd even existed. Once Edward was gone, it was easy for me to believe that the morning had all been a dream. I pinched my arm between my thumb and forefinger, but only felt a sharp pain - I didn't wake up. _It was real._ And more importantly, I felt real - for the first time in so long. The piece my heart didn't even know it had been missing had slotted itself back in, like it had never been lost. I leaned on the nearest tree, trying to sort through all my thoughts, as incoherent images seared through my mind.

There were several things I knew at that moment. Firstly, I loved Edward more than life itself, and by some miracle, it turned out that he loved me that way too. Secondly, I felt extreme anguish and guilt over the way I'd treated Jake. And thirdly, I was going to have to have one of the most painful conversations of my life later that day. I had to tell Jake. I owed him that much.

However, there was one thing I didn't know. I didn't know that there was a figure walking toward my house, a little way in the distance. It hadn't seen us as we were within the coverage of the trees, but its sense of smell was acute. As Edward whipped round to leave, the unknown figure caught his scent as it disappeared into the woods, and changed direction, coming straight for where I stood, shielded from the afternoon sun.

"I knew it!" a familiar voice snarled. I froze, my stomach twisting into knots, for I knew what I'd see before I even turned. I whirled round to face the voice I'd just heard. It was Jacob Black, his nostrils flaring in reaction to the scent of his enemy.

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**Cliffhanger, eh? Uh-oh, Jake knows...If you liked, leave me some love! Thanks for reading xxx**


	9. Absolution

**This has been like way over a year coming, and I'm very sorry for that. It's actually been sitting there all this time, but I lost my love for this fic and couldn't figure out how to end it, so I think this will do. Perhaps it isn't the resolution everyone was looking for, but I think I owe it to the few readers who liked this to at least post what I have. This was a great stepping stone to all kinds of other works, and my first step into the world of Twilight fanfic. I will always hold some affection for it in my heart, but I just lost my will to finish it in the manner it deserves. I'm so grateful for all these who enjoyed and recommended this fic. This chapter's un-betaed so do forgive any silly mistakes.**

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**Playlist:**

**Smile in Your Sleep – Silverstein**

**Unfaithful - Rihanna**

**Cry Me A River – Justin Timberlake**

**It's Not Over - Daughtry**

**Ignorance – Paramore**

**All That I've Got – The Used**

**You Could Be Happy – Snow Patrol**

**Chapter 9: Absolution**

_**Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,**_  
_**And sorry I could not travel both**_  
_**And be one traveler, long I stood**_  
_**And looked down one as far as I could**_  
_**To where it bent in the undergrowth...**_

_**...I shall be telling this with a sigh**_  
_**Somewhere ages and ages hence:**_  
_**Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—**_  
_**I took the one less traveled by,**_  
_**And that has made all the difference.**_

_**Excerpt from The Road Not Taken – Robert Frost**_

**BPOV**

"_I knew it!_

I trembled, that statement still ringing in my ears. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was Jacob. And he was mad as hell. I wheeled to face him, a blush darkening my neck and face.

"W-what?" I muttered, temporarily tongue-tied, even though I knew Jake could smell Edward and it was pointless trying to pretend that I was unaware of this fact.

"Bella," Jake spat through clenched teeth. "Where. Is. He?"

I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut. How much I wished that I could wake up from this. Seconds ago I'd felt as if I was in a dream, and now that dream had transformed into a nightmare. Jake wasn't supposed to find out this way. Fat tears spilled out of my lids, trickling down my cheeks before I could stop them. Despite everything I'd done wrong – that night with Edward, stringing Jake along, the way I'd acted around him since – I hadn't wanted to hurt the man who really was my best friend more than necessary. I hadn't intended for him to ever know about the events of that night, I would have spared his feelings when it came to that. Jake just stared, his face blank and motionless as he watched the tears fall down my face.

Pity briefly crossed his face, but in an instant it was gone. And there was only a cold glare left. It was no more than I deserved. I didn't know what to say. I wondered when and if he'd ever speak again, but it turned out that I didn't have to. I felt the barest hint of a breeze at my back and suddenly Edward was at my side. I flinched.

Jake's eyes bulged, and he took a step forward. "I should have known you'd be lurking around, _leech_. I could smell you from across the road."

I turned to take in Edward's expression, but he wasn't looking at me. His pale, golden eyes were fixed on Jacob, and they were narrowed. It was a look that represented pure hatred. The last vestiges of humanity had fallen from his face, and only the predator was left. A tremor surged through me.

"Stay back, _dog_," Edward retorted, moving in front of me and spreading his arms protectively.

"What the hell are you doing? Get your hands off her!" Jacob snapped, his voice cracking. He was shaking. I could tell he was really starting to lose it, and if he didn't get a handle on his emotions soon, I didn't know what would happen. Edward's presence was unlikely to improve matters, however, and especially not a display of his protectiveness towards me. Jacob closed his eyes and stayed silent for a moment, taking a step backwards, towards the edge of the trees. His trembling slowly lessened, his hands locked into fists at his sides, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I think I'd been holding my breath for the past two minutes. I stepped out from behind Edward's back. He didn't seem happy about this, but he sighed and shrugged, letting me go.

Jake raised his eyes to meet mine, and the rich brown irises had lost their angry fire. He only looked sorrowful. "This isn't the first time I've smelt him, is it?" he said quietly. "He-he's been in your room, hasn't he? Oh God...that day...you did all that laundry. I noticed you'd changed your sheets, but..." I stayed frozen in place, unable to take from eyes from his face as each realisation dawned on him. When he realised why I'd changed my sheets, the colour returned to his russet cheeks and he exhaled sharply.

"You!" he cried, taking a step towards Edward. "You...fucked her, didn't you?" It was difficult for Jake to say that word, I could tell, and it hurt me just as much to hear him say it. It sounded cheap and easy. _Just like I was._

I expected Edward to retaliate, but he said nothing for a moment, his eyes flickering over Jacob's quivering form. "Jacob, please listen to me. I know you'd like to rip me limb from limb, and I completely understand that. But just hear me out first."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Edward was attempting to be reasonable? I felt as I were in a parallel universe. Edward had never acted like this before when it came to Jacob. He did not handle jealousy well, and I knew how close he'd come before to tearing Jacob's head off. I wasn't sure what to do, so I stepped back, feeling a little awkward. I wasn't even sure what my place was in this. _You're the cause of all this, Bella_, said a small voice in my head. I felt a chill creep down my spine. What was about to happen here today? And if anything did happen, I would be unable to stop it. _Alice. _Another realisation hit me. Alice would know nothing of this. Jake was here, and both mine and Edward's fates were now bound with his – her mind's eye would be blind to anything that happened here today. This wasn't just about me any more. Edward and Jacob would have to settle this with each other. But what would it end in? I couldn't bear to lose either of them, as selfish as that sounded. I knew that if it came to a fight, both of them were equally matched. Edward's mind-reading advantage would allow him to see Jacob's moves in his head before he made them, however Jacob's speed and skill as a fighter put him on an equal footing with Edward. I had never felt more like a weak, insignificant human in my life.

"I did a terrible thing," Edward continued, passing a hand over his eyes, his perfect features twisting into a pained expression. Jacob took a deep breath, crossing his arms over his chest. "I climbed into her room, and I seduced her. It only happened the once. Please don't blame Bella, it was all my doing." _Ugh._ _Why was he saying that? It wasn't all him. I was the one who ran across the room and threw myself into his icy embrace._ _The one who'd allowed him to place his lips upon mine, and then..._

"Stop it!" I cried, the words falling from my mouth before I could stop them. The sun was warm just beyond the shadow of the tree I was standing by, but I shivered. Both of them turned to stare at me. "It – wasn't all him."

Jake's face instantly became taut, his jaw set. Edward took a step to the side, and Jake echoed it, his own foot shifting to the side. I realised in horror that they were circling one another, testing each other's defences. Hearing about the details of Edward's seduction of me had clearly been too much Jake, and I feared the consequences, more than anything.

"You'll always go running back to him, Bella – whatever he does to you, nothing will ever be the last straw," he spat. A snarl ripped from Edward's chest at Jake's words and I saw his hands push deeper into his pockets, obviously trying to conceal the shaking of his hands. The two men that I loved in such different ways paced, barely concealed hatred on both their faces. I shot a warning look at Edward, but his expression did not alter.

"What I want to know," Jake continued, his eyes narrowed with fury, "is how was it that you thought you could just _fuck_ her, like I didn't even exist!" His voice grew louder and trembled on the last few words, and I could tell he was really losing it.

I turned to stare at Edward, and surprisingly enough, he didn't look angry – only sorrowful. His hands, now out of his pockets, were balled into fists, his snow-white skin appearing waxy where it was stretched tight over the bones.

"Jacob, I'm so sorry," he said suddenly, holding up a hand. The tremors in his fingers seemed to have stopped, indicating that he'd perhaps gained a semblance of control over his temper. "I never meant for anything to happen, much less like this – cloaked in lies and deceit. It was only the once, I promise you. And don't blame Bella." He shot a warning look at me, and I snapped my open mouth closed, trying to bite back the contradiction which was on the tip of my tongue. "She's been eaten up with guilt ever since it happened. You can't say you don't know that's true, if you recall her recent behaviour."

"I think I'm aware of how my girlfriend's been acting around me, leech," Jake replied quietly, and they both continued to pace, their steps taking them deeper into the woods. I could only follow helplessly as Jake continued to step forward and Edward echoed his movements. They were backing deeper into the trees, slowly but surely.

"I know you don't believe this, but I've felt guilt, too," Edward said, his face twisting into a sardonic smile that was more of a grimace. "I wasn't brought up to act that way," he added quietly. Jake growled audibly, his voice sounding more animal than human. That was a warning sign that alerted me to the fact his shape was trembling again. I was standing back, but I wondered how much longer he'd be able to control his body before he lost it and became a wolf. _But surely it's been so long, he won't even be able to any more..._Not that I could place any faith in that particular thought. I'd paid so little attention to Jake of late, I was hardly the best person to fathom the inner workings of his mind, or what demons had been torturing him of late.

"Oh, come off it!" Jake yelled, his deep voice echoing off the bark of the trees. A cloudy patch had appeared overhead and the sun had unexpectedly gone in, echoing the way the afternoon was turning. Neither of them were paying the slightest bit of attention to me any more. It was as I'd ceased to exist and somehow had become a part of the plentiful foliage on the forest floor. Their eyes were only on each other, and I didn't dare speak for fear of exacerbating the already volatile situation. These two men – well, supernatural creatures, really – were both spoiling for a fight. Edward's soft, measured tones didn't fool me. He was just as angry as Jacob, but, not being a hotheaded teenage werewolf, was better at hiding it. He'd certainly had plenty of practice during the time that Victoria had hunted me, where I'd unwittingly played with fire, pitting them against one another without even always realising what I was doing. I was dragged from the recesses of my mind by the ringing sound of Jacob's shouts.

"Stop being so smug. You and I both know that you're secretly glad. Yeah, she loves you – I get it. It doesn't mean that I'm fucking happy about it though. In no way does it mean that." Jake's entire form shook, and I saw him squeeze his eyes shut, fighting for control of the monster within.

"Bella," Edward whispered, his eyes flickering over to me briefly before they returned to Jake, who was breathing heavily, his foot lifted off the ground as he prepared to take a step forward. It was the first time Edward had acknowledged my presence in several minutes, and I couldn't help the tremor that shot down my spine at the sound of his heavenly, musical voice – whatever it was telling me. "Stay back, please. Move!" The last word came out as a gasp as Jake stepped forward and his shape suddenly burst from his skin. The jeans and t-shirt he'd worn shredded into a million pieces, a swirl of blue and black as the man disappeared and a russet-hued wolf appeared in its place. You wouldn't have known it was Jacob, other than the obvious link to his skin colour and the deep brown eyes that were the same whether he was animal or human. A deep, terrifying snarl came from the beast, and my feet shifted backwards involuntarily. My fear grew, the blood in my veins chilling as I stood frozen to the spot.

I needn't have worried, however. It wasn't me that Jacob was after. As I stood several feet away, the massive wolf raised up on his hackles, a guttural, rumbling sound emerging from deep within. Edward stood squarely in front of him, unblinking. Even his picture-perfect face was barely clinging to its last shards of humanity. His even, white teeth were bared in a menacing smile, and a growl ripped from him that was just as deep and terrible as the one that Jake had made just a second ago. I was terrified at what they might do to each other, and especially fearful that Jake might be hurt. While Jake was probably the best fighter out of all the werewolves, I knew that Edward's mind-reading gift gave him a split-second advantage. Technically, the two of them were evenly matched in a fight, but sooner or later something would have to give. The air had turned cool, and I shivered in my thin tank top, casting a brief glance at the unforgiving clouds that were holding sway above us. A storm was brewing.

"Stop!" I cried, but they ignored me. The Jake-wolf turned around and shook his head, emitting a mild growl to warn me to stay back. They both stepped further and further away from me. Edward took a step backwards, and the wolf followed him.

"Jacob, don't," Edward said in his softest, most beseeching tones. Even at that moment, I felt as if his voice placed me under a spell that I could not wake from. Clearly, it didn't have the same effect on Jake, as he let out a whine and leapt closer to Edward. As I watched in horror, he charged at him, his massive bulk pushing Edward to the ground. I screamed.

"No! Stop it!" But my cries fell on deaf ears. At lightening speed, Edward was on his feet again and deftly blocked Jacob's path. The next second, Jake advanced once more and attempted to sink his teeth into Edward's arm. Edward gripped the tufty fur, using all of his inhuman strength to hold Jake off. I realised that he wasn't fighting back. He didn't want to. He had no desire to hurt Jake. God help me, I loved him even more at that moment than I ever had. However, I wondered if Edward was willing to let Jake kill him, just to let him get even? Surely not. His current tactic appeared to be blocking Jake's every move.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Jacob. So stop trying. I'm not going to fight back. She'd never forgive me if I did, and we both know it." At this, the werewolf bared its teeth and came at Edward with renewed aggression, spitting a snarl from between his teeth. The sound echoed off the trees as Jake attempted to snap and bite at Edward, who held off his every move wearily,

After a few moments of this, Edward flung the wolf to the ground, and Jake let out a terrible howl. He leapt up, and backed away all of a sudden. Edward watched him warily, but made no move to go after him.

I realised I was shaking uncontrollably, and there was no way to stop it. In one stride, Edward was at my side, his hands gripping my shoulders in concern. "Bella?" he asked, and when he got no answer, he repeated it frantically. "Bella!" I stared past his shoulder, looking for Jake, but he had gone. My knees buckled and I would have collapsed had Edward not been there to prevent it, his calm, strong arms holding me up.

"I can hear him," he told me after a minute or two, when I'd sufficiently steadied myself to stand on my own two feet once again. "He's coming, and he wants to talk to you. I should probably make myself scarce."

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said quietly, and he knew what I meant. "But thank you." He nodded, his jaw still slightly stiff, and I could see how much it must have cost him not to give into his baser instincts and tear his rival limb from limb. His expression was unfathomable as he bent his head and placed the briefest kiss on my lips, a fleeting press of cold marble to my own warm mouth. I blinked, and it was as if he'd melted away into the greenery. He was gone.

At once, a familiar voice came through the trees. "Bella!" shouted Jake, and I wheeled to see him striding through the trees, dressed in sweatpants and a plain t-shirt. My brow furrowed. How was it that he'd managed to get his clothes so quickly? He'd shredded what he was wearing before he phased. Jake realised what I was wondering about, and his face broke into a strained smile.

"You've forgotten I still have clothes at your house?" he said, and it was almost teasing, despite the painful edge to what he said. I bit my lip, feeling so upset for him. I still couldn't believe what I'd done, that I'd driven them to fight with one another. At least Jake didn't look hurt, as I'd feared when I'd heard that low, mournful howl. I could tell it wasn't anything to do with physical pain – it was emotional. He howled because he knew it was over between us, and that fighting Edward wouldn't do any good. _Were we really going to do this here?_ However, I knew that I'd hurt him enough, and he deserved some dignity, as awkward and uncomfortable as it would be for the both of us.

"I hadn't forgotten," I said slowly. "I just didn't remember at first."

"I know. It feels like you haven't remembered me much of late." He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. I flushed guiltily, knowing that to be true, but resisted the overwhelming urge to tear my gaze from Jake's.

"You're not hurt?" He shook his head.

"He didn't seem in the mood to fight back, he just blocked. He's a clever bastard, I'll give him that. He knows that you'd never forgive him if he hurt me. Not that I would have given him the chance – I'm a decent match even against his mind-reading skills." Jake grinned rather unpleasantly right then, and I fought the urge to fight back, knowing he was just goading me.

Hot tears soaked my cheeks, and I was unable to instantly reply. "Jake, I'm so, so sorry," I told him, hoping it sounded heartfelt, because it really was. "It was so wrong – everything, what I did, and how I lied to you, screwed with your mind. I'm sorry."

Jake cast his eyes down with a deep sigh. "I know that, Bella. You know, somehow I knew that you'd never gotten over him. Oh, you never mentioned him, of course, but sometimes I saw a hint of him behind your eyes when I looked too closely. I..." He broke off, his voice cracking, and he still wasn't looking at me. "I'll never be the right kind of monster for you, will I?" How familiar those words seemed – the entire setting had become déjà vu. Except this time, the man I loved was willing to accept what I'd told him. And that wasn't Jake. He raised his eyes then, but they shifted away from me, and I knew he was lost in his own thoughts. There was envy, and pure hatred in his gaze.

"Jake..." I began to say, but my voice trailed off. A tear trickled down my cheek.

"I don't want to talk about what happened, there's no point," he said harshly. His eyes softened, however, and he came closer to me. "I'd like to think that even though you'll be with that moody fucker, we can still be friends at some point. Not now, but maybe in a while."

I ignored his dig at Edward. I nodded fervently, a strangled sound ripping from me as the salty tears continued to pour. Jake put his arms around me, and I returned the hug somewhat stiffly, taken aback at how readily he seemed to have accepted this. "Take care of yourself, Bella," he whispered in my ear before he walked off towards the road. As he disappeared from sight my entire body started shaking uncontrollably,

I fell to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. It seemed that now I had everything I wanted, and there were no more lies, but I didn't instantly feel good about it, not at all. My best friend and protector had gone. I cared about Jake so much that I felt my heart would surely split in that I regretted my decision, for I knew it was the right one. Edward loved me, and I loved him, and we had to be together. It was as consistent as gravity, as inevitable as the sunrise and sunset. All the same, I knew I would grieve for my loss. A minute later, a hand gently, but irresistibly pulled me to my feet. I looked up to see Alice, gazing upon me with her eyes full of wordless pity.

"Oh, Bella," was all she said, before she pulled me into her arms, stroking my hair as I sobbed. I breathed in her sweet scent, but it soothed me little. "Edward wanted to come back, but I wouldn't let him.," she murmured after a moment. Raising my head, I blinked my remaining tears away, wiping the ones I couldn't catch with the back of my hand.

"Are you all going to move back?" I asked her, afraid of the answer.

She nodded, her features stretching into a wide grin. "Of course! We moved away for Edward, seeing as he's made so many sacrifices for us over the years. But you know how we all grew to love this place. Esme misses our old house, I can tell. She's thrown herself into doing work on the house in Ithaca, but it just isn't the same. Carlisle loves his work at the hospital, and I'm pretty sure that Emmett, Rose and Jasper would be happy anywhere. Forks is our home. We'll have to move on eventually, but definitely not for a while."

"I'm sure Jasper doesn't have a choice, regardless," I observed with a small smile. "He'd follow you to the ends of the Earth."

She snorted. "Probably!" A dreamy look passed over her face. "He 'd do anything for me," she said fondly. "I can tell that Edward feels the same about you, too."

"Why doesn't that make me feel better right now?" I asked to no-one in particular, and she made a sympathetic face. I sat down on the grass, and she joined me. I didn't speak again for a minute or two, and when I looked up again, she'd managed to make what seemed to be hundreds of daisy chains from the flowers that nestled in the long grass. She squeezed my arm reassuringly, and I instantly felt a little better. "Come on, you should go home."

Looking up, I noted we weren't far from the shady bank of trees that lined the road. The sun was still under cloud cover and I shivered, wrapping my arms tightly about my torso as Alice and I walked back to the house. The summer day was so still and quiet. I heard the leaves of the trees brushed against one another, whispering to one another in some long-forgotten language. Our footsteps barely made a sound as we travelled through the forest path and across the road back to my home.

Pulling the door open, I cautiously stepped into the kitchen, my feet squeaking on the linoleum with the mud I'd unfortunately tracked in. I was going to have to clean that up before Charlie got home.

"Tea?" Alice asked, pulling a box from the cupboard. It struck me that she wasn't being her usual exuberant self, and was probably reigning in her desire to ask a thousand questions about everything. She knew the guilt and shame the entire situation had caused me, and she knew that I wouldn't just forget about it in an instant. I nodded, watching as the kettle boiled and she poured me a cup of tea with lightening speed. I took the cup, cradling its warmth in my hands as I stared past her, not really seeing. She sat down in the chair opposite me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

"Maybe a little," I mumbled in reply. "I wasn't expecting that doing the right thing would hurt so much."

"I know." She reached across the table and clasped my hand in a cold but kind gesture. How well I knew that the right choice was never the easiest one. My heart was pounding, the adrenaline from being forced to watch the fight still coursing through my veins. My breath came in short, shallow gasps as I tried not to think of Jake. Images of his face weary face etched with the unseen scars of sorrow repeatedly assaulted my brain. And at the same time, I thought of the man I loved. _Edward._ Even the mere thought of his name sent the rhythm of my heartbeat uneven.

I hadn't found absolution yet, but I hoped that in time and with Edward's help, it would find me.

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**Finito. Reviews are appreciated if anyone still reads this. Thanks for reading xx**


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